


Diary Of A Groupie

by youllbeadentist



Category: Rocky Horror Picture Show, Shock Treatment (1981), The Rocky Horror Show - O'Brien
Genre: Diary/Journal, F/F, F/M, Identity Issues, M/M, Mental Health Issues, POV First Person, Prequel, Suicide Attempt, idk what else to tag this as but i love columbia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2018-12-29 18:10:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 27,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12090570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youllbeadentist/pseuds/youllbeadentist
Summary: "DENTON AFFAIR" EXHIBIT A: 'CAMPBELL DIARY [TRANSCRIPT]'ARTIFACT DESCRIPTION: Transcript of approx. one month of entries in the personal diary of Penelope 'Nellie' Campbell (alias 'Columbia').SUMMARY: Artifact was brought in its physical form to Judge Oliver Wright by an anonymous source, who claimed was relevant to the Denton Affair. Handwriting was then matched to Campbell, who had been filed earlier in November of 1974 as a missing person. Entries were then transcribed to the best ability. Out of entries spanning back to 1966, only those from 10/23/74-11/30/74 (where they end) were deemed relevant to the case. Events described in the November 30 entry match those described by Majors and Weiss in their testimonies. Entries make multiple references to Edward 'Eddie' Miller-Scott, also filed as missing (though now assumed deceased). Attempts to find others mentioned in these entries ('Frank N Furter', 'Magenta', 'Riff Raff', and 'Rocky') have as of now been unsuccessful.NOTE FROM JUDGE WRIGHT: Please handle these pages with care. After all, you are reading someone's diary.





	1. 10/23/74

Dear Diary,

Something really amazing happened at Eddie’s concert tonight. I’m not even sure if that’s enough to do it justice -- that’s how amazing we’re talking here! I’m still shivering as I write all this down. I doubt I’ll be able to put it into words, but I might as well try.

So near the end of Eddie’s set I was out serving drinks, and he and his band always save their most intense stuff for the end, right? And everyone was dancing and moving around so I was having a bit of trouble. Out of the corner of my eye I saw this guy. That’s not was so amazing -- the cafe’s always full of guys -- but there was just... something that made it so I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I think it was his eyes. He had these insanely green eyes, almost like a cat’s, and I swear I could  feel  them on me. Is that weird? Anyway, I just couldn't stop staring at him. I really wanted to talk to him, but I was a little afraid, too. He was intimidating to me. He finally caught me during Eddie’s last song. I tried to sneak a look at him while I was washing glasses, and he was looking right back at me. He sort of just...smiled. He smiled, and he started walking over to me and I seriously thought my heart was going to stop. 

I really hope this isn’t coming off the wrong way. I’m with Eddie -- I know that! And I wasn’t  attracted  to this guy. I didn’t even know him. It’s just...God, I don’t know what! I don’t know anything. Anyway, he walked over to the bar and things started to get weird. Guess what -- he was wearing women’s underwear! Really! He had a leather jacket covered with all these cool pins (that I’d seen) but underneath it he was wearing this sequined tube top and a garter belt. He even had platform heels! I’d never seen anything like it before. He asked me if I knew the lead singer (that’s Eddie) because apparently he’d seen us come in together. I said yes, that’s my boyfriend (just so he wouldn’t get the wrong idea), and he asked if I could introduce him.

I’d never been asked that before. I mean, Denton’s a pretty small town, and it  definitely doesn’t have much of a punk scene, so I had no idea what to do. Even though Eddie likes to act like he’s this real tough guy I know he can get really overwhelmed if too many people try and talk to him at once, so I didn’t want to risk stressing him out or anything. And yet...I know it was selfish of me, but I wanted more of an excuse to talk to this guy. I’d never seen or met anyone like him in Denton -- or anywhere at all. He just exuded this aura of confidence and mystique that I couldn’t get enough of. Besides, I was sure Eddie would love the whole counter-culture thing he had going on with the garters and all.

The two of them hit it off almost immediately. I could see that he had the same effect on Eddie as he did on me -- Eddie looked completely starstruck, even though technically  he was the celebrity! It made me so happy to see him excited like that. I just watched them talk with this dorky smile on my face for the longest time. I closed my eyes and I think I might have fallen asleep a bit -- because Eddie came up to me and said that the guy had asked him if he and I wanted to hang out with him and his buddies out back. I said yes so once Eddie helped break down the equipment the three of us headed out the back door.

There wasn’t really anyone in the parking lot -- almost everyone had gone home already, so there was just this couple making out in the back of someone’s truck. These were the friends the guy was talking about (and presumably his truck) because he hit the side of it and told them to cut it out. The girl had this crazy wavy hair that stuck out from her head and the boy had on a beanie and super dark circles under his eyes. When he took the beanie off, it turned out there wasn’t any hair on top of his head even though he didn’t look much older than me or Eddie. He stayed in the back of the truck while the girl hopped out, and the guy from inside turned the engine on so he could play tapes. It wasn’t like any kind of music I’d ever heard before -- I wish I had better words to describe it. It was heavy, almost overwhelming, but it filled me up and made me feel...well, really good! There was one song in particular that I really loved. I have it stuck in my head and I don’t think I’ll ever really get it out. Too bad I can’t remember any of the words!

When that song came on the girl got really excited. She clapped her hands and started doing this weird dance. I wasn’t too sure what to do -- She was dancing, and Eddie and the guy from inside were talking, and the beanie guy was just sulking in the truck, so i just kind of stood there really awkwardly. Eventually the girl frowned at me and kinda gestured for me to come and dance with her. I didn’t really want to at first, because I didn’t know the song and I didn’t know her, but eventually she just kinda pulled me to her under the streetlight and started teaching me the dance. It was...nice. I’m not sure how else to put it. She smiled at me and held my hands and showed me her dance, and it was nice. Her hands were cold. She tried to get the boy in the truck to dance too, but he didn’t want to. So it was just me and her, grinning and laughing and dancing together. I don’t think we really spoke at all.

Eventually the manager came out and told us we had to go home because she was closing up for the night. It was 1:15 in the morning; we had been out there for two and a half hours. It certainly hadn’t felt like it! Time flies when you’re having fun, right? We said our goodbyes (the girl hugged me before getting back in the truck) and we stood in the parking lot as they drove off. We just stood there, for a while, not really saying anything to each other. Eddie looked stunned, star-struck almost, and I’m sure I looked the same. He was holding this piece of paper in his hand with something written on it, but I couldn’t read it. All on the drive back he started talking - talking about music, and science, and outer space, and all the things he and the guy had talked about while me and the girl danced. He seemed so inspired. And when he dropped me off, he kissed me.

It’s almost four in the morning now. I can’t sleep -- but in a really good way. I don’t feel like time works for me anymore. I genuinely feel changed by what happened. Is that weird? I feel as though I’ve experienced something rare, something special that not everybody gets the chance to do in their life. I keep running through it over and over again in my head. I feel expanded, like my spirit can do more,  means more than it did yesterday. It’s a marvelous thing to feel. My heart’s still beating like I’m having an adrenaline rush.

I just realized, I never got any of their names. What a shame.

Love,

Nellie


	2. 10/24/74-10/25/74

11/24/74

Dear Diary,

I can’t stop thinking about what happened last night. I had a dream about it, even -- I was sitting in the back of the truck with the girl and she cut all my hair off. I wonder what it means?

I think Eddie has been thinking a lot about it too. He called me really early in the morning. It’s actually what woke me up. I didn't get to sleep until around 5 because I was so energized. But then at seven the phone started ringing. It’s a good thing I don’t have work today! I knew something was going on because Eddie never wakes up before nine unless he absolutely has to. He sounded out of breath when I picked up the phone. When I said good morning, all he said was “Nellie, have you ever thought about leaving Denton?”

I hadn’t. Well, not very seriously at least. I can’t really picture my life outside of this place. I mean, it’s my hometown! Everyone I’ve ever known lives here. I’m happy here. At least, I think so. I asked Eddie why he was asking. He talks about leaving a lot, sure, but it felt...different, this time. Less of an idea, and more of a plan. He said that Frank (that’s the name of the guy from the cafe last night) had offered him a job. Offered me a job, too, if I wanted it. But it was a live-in deal -- not too far away from Denton, but far enough, Eddie said. Far enough. He said it excitedly, but it made me worried. What do I want to do? Eddie knows what he wants to do; he doesn’t want to be a delivery boy all his life. He wants to make music and be a rockstar. But what do I want?

I asked Eddie what kind of job it was. He said that Frank hadn’t been super clear, just that they were building something. I don’t have any kind of experience with building stuff. I’m not very strong, and I don’t think I can carry things around and use power tools or anything like that. I told Eddie this but he said it was ok. We didn’t need experience (That’s what Frank had told him). I still wasn’t sure. I don’t really know what I’d do with myself outside of Denton. I can’t possibly imagine living anywhere where I didn’t know about anything. I can’t imagine what I’d do if I had to learn everything I know about this place again. Not even to mention what my parents would think if I left town with Eddie! I know they don’t like him. They’d tell everyone I ran off with some hoodlum, and then I wouldn’t be able to come back even if I wanted to.

And yet...God, this is so selfish, but I really, really want to see Frank again. I can’t get him out of my head! I honestly feel as if something is changed about me. I’m a different person now -- for better or for worse. I want to know why. I want to know him. He just has this...draw that’s pulling me in. Is that creepy? And the girl, too. I feel like me and her could be friends. I wonder if she’d remember me?  I told Eddie I would think about it. That seemed to appease him. He told me he loved me before he hung up. The sun’s about to go down. I should call him back, shouldn’t I? But I still don’t know what to do. As excited as I am about all this...this new opportunity, I’m also anxious. I feel like things could go really, really wrong for us.

Love,

Nellie

___

10/25/74

Dear Diary,

I made my decision. I made it last night, actually. It was two in the morning when I finally figured it out. I’ve been staying up later -- and yet I don’t feel tired. It’s almost as if time has shifted for me. I’m not sure if I like it or not. I called Eddie right away, and he picked up, which I wasn’t expecting. He didn’t sound tired either. I wonder if he’s feeling the same way.

I’m going to take the job. I feel like I would regret it if I don’t. I know I will never see Frank, or the girl, or even the boy with the beanie again unless I do this. And if I don’t see them again I know I will be thinking about them, and missing them, for the rest of my life. I don’t think I could live with myself if I were old and frail and still missed three strangers I met in a cafe parking lot. What a miserable existence that would be. And I think I understand now that not everything is permanent. Denton will still be here; it will always be here for me to come back to if I can’t handle it out there in the real world. That’s comforting to me. Let my parents say what they will -- I’m 23 now. I’m an adult in the eyes of the law, so they couldn’t stop me even if they wanted to. That’s comforting too. My friends will find new friends. The cafe will find a new waitress by next week.

Also...I just don’t know what I would do without Eddie. I like to think he would have stayed here if I hadn’t said yes but...I don’t know. I wouldn’t be able to handle it if he left. I’ve known him for so long -- ever since middle school. I love him so much. I think that leaving Denton could be good for him. He has some...stuff that he needs to work through. He’s been so isolated from his family ever since his mom died. I keep asking him to get in touch with Scotty but he’s really hesitant. I think getting out of Denton could help him leave some of that behind him, you know?

We’re going to leave tomorrow. I already called the cafe and let them know I’m leaving. They’re sad to see me go, but the manager said she’s glad I’m off to make something of myself. That made me feel really good. I called my parents too. They’re a little sad too, but in a sentimental way I think (I left out that I’m going with Eddie). Eddie said goodbye to all his bandmates -- he was crying. He really isn’t planning to come back at all. I’ve packed up my bags, too. Eddie says we have to travel light because we’re taking his motorcycle. I’m just taking one pair of clothes -- I’m sure I’ll be able to wash them at Frank’s place. Plus, you know, toiletries, and some sentimental stuff too. I’m bringing my disneyland hat and my favorite pajamas. And this diary of course!

I’m going to try and get to sleep earlier tonight. I have a big day ahead of me! It almost feels...unreal. This is the sort of thing Eddie’s been planning for us to do for years -- and now we’re really doing it. I can’t wait!!

Love,

Nellie

___

10/26/74

Dear Diary,

What a day it’s been! I’m writing this from a room in Frank’s house. I can hardly believe it! I don’t even know if ‘house’ does it justice. It’s just so ---------- AAAAHHHH!!!! I’m sorry I’m just so super happy right now !!!! ♡♡♡ so I’m gonna write down everything that happened today.

Me and Eddie went out to dinner in Denton one last time. We left from the restaurant. It was the only thing we could talk about all through the meal -- he seemed so happy! It turns out that ‘far enough from Denton’ is about an hour and a half away out in Beaver Creek Woods. That’s not too bad at all! Plus, it’s pretty close to where Scotty lives. Maybe Eddie will finally go and visit him? Anyway, we ended up putting all our stuff into this old backpack from when I was in middle school, so I wore that on my back while Eddie drove. We ended up getting lost on the way over, though -- it turns out Frank hadn’t actually given an address! Luckily, not too many people live out there so we could use a bit of a process of elimination. We knew it wasn’t Scotty’s house, and it probably wasn’t any of the weird little log cabins, so all that left was this huge...well...castle.

I know that sounds like an exaggeration, but it really was a castle! It had this crazy long driveway and huge turrets and there was even a flag! The only thing it was missing was a moat or something, seriously. Eddie parked his motorcycle a little ways away from the door (there were actually a bunch of others parked there too!) And we rang the doorbell and waited for someone to let us in. It took a little while -- It must be tough to hear when someone’s at the door in a house that huge! -- but eventually the door opened up. It was the guy with the beanie from the cafe, only now he was wearing this sort of odd, too-big suit. Now that I was close to him I could see that his posture was really bad. Not to be judgemental! I just feel like his back must be hurting...Anyway, he told us to make ourselves comfortable and that he would go tell Frank we were here. So we took our shoes off and just sort of hung around.

There was this faint music coming from the other room. I recognized it from the cafe -- it was one of the same songs. That made me really excited. The whole thing up until that point had felt...not real, like a dream. Like I would wake up back in Denton any minute and it would all be over. But that’s what cemented it for me -- hearing that song again. I started shivering, I was so excited. When Frank came out to see us, he was wearing what I can only describe as a bonafide little black dress. Seriously, shorter than anything I’ve ever worn! And he had these huge stiletto heels on too...I mean, people can dress how they like, I suppose, but it was still a little interesting! When he opened up the door of whatever room he’d been in, the music got louder, and I realized there was probably some sort of party going on. He shouted ‘Eddie!’ and half walked, half stumbled over to the foyer where we were. He shook Eddie’s hand really vigorously, and he seemed as excited as I was. It felt good.

Then he asked for my name. I hesitated for a second and I saw this old poster on the wall. It was for that old movie From Here to Eternity. And it said Columbia Pictures on it, so that’s what I said my name was. Columbia. I’m not sure why I did it. Some sort of impulse I suppose. Frank just sort of eyed me for a moment, as if he knew what was up, but just said it was a nice name and left it at that. He gave us a quick tour of the bottom floor, then showed us where our rooms were. We had rooms! I knew Eddie had said it was live-in, but I wasn’t expecting to get a room. But it was kinda weird that me and Eddie got put separately. It seems like that would have been a more effective use of space. Maybe Frank didn’t know we were a couple? Or maybe in a house this big it doesn’t really matter. It still would have been nice to share a room with Eddie though…

But!!! It turns out I am sharing a room with the girl from the cafe! Her name is Magenta. She did remember me ♡ and she seemed really happy that I was there. I think it’s a good thing I have a roommate -- It would be a little scary to sleep in a brand new place all by yourself! She was getting dressed when I came in, which was a little embarrassing, but she didn’t seem too fazed. She said she was getting ready to head downstairs for the party, and she asked me if I wanted to come too. I didn’t want to at first -- I didn’t know anyone, I had just gotten here, I didn’t have anything to wear -- but Magenta convinced me. She said it would be lots of fun. Plus, she said we looked about the same size, so she lent me this super cute top and miniskirt with sequins on it. When I spun around it looked like a disco ball! It didn’t fit perfectly (I’m a little taller than her) but it made me feel a lot more comfortable so we went downstairs.

I really wish I could say something about the party. But I don’t remember too much of it! There were a whole lot of people there, all in this big ballroom, but everyone was super nice to me. Eddie was actually there too!! And so we danced together, and me and Magenta danced together, and me and Frank danced together, and me and Riff Raff even danced together (that’s the beanie guy’s name) and the food was so good and I had a great time. I think. I feel really great, even if I can’t back it up with evidence. And that’s enough for me, you know?

It’s really late at night again. I need to work on getting to sleep earlier! Me and Magenta are watching TV right now while I’m writing. Though it’s not really ‘TV’ per se...I don’t think any signal gets out here, so the TV in our room is just hooked up to the CCTV system so we can look in on what people are doing. I thought that seemed a little weird, but Magenta said it was more fun than it sounded. And it is so far! We both got tired of the party so we headed up, but we watched it go on so we still felt involved. Everyone seemed to really like Eddie! Especially Frank. They’re getting along really well, and I’m glad.

I just realized, I still don’t know any details about the job. Oh well! Guess I’ll find out tomorrow!

Love,

 ~~Nellie~~ Columbia?


	3. 10/27/74-10/28/74

10/27/74

Dear Diary,

So...I think I now have  the most interesting job in the world. I’m not kidding! But more about that later. I woke up at around ten thirty -- at least, I think so. None of the clocks in this place seem to have the exact right time, so I’m just guessing. It was a lot later than I usually have to get up for work, so I started panicking that I was late! But...no one else seemed to be awake. And now that I think about it, Magenta was still fast asleep when I left the room...she must have partied too hard :) But Eddie was awake, so me and him ate breakfast together. And then we sort of just...waited around for the others. I’m serious,  no one was awake at all!! So we just kinda wandered around for a big chunk of the day.

It was already sunset when everyone else woke up. Magenta thought it was crazy that I’d woken up so ‘early’ -- she’s a little weird! But in the best kind of way. We all ate ‘breakfast’ together, then Frank told us to get dressed (though this was probably more for Magenta and Riff Raff’s sake) and then meet him on the third floor. He’s a little weird too. He’s very touchy -- I sat next to him while we ate and he kept putting his arm around me and petting my hair. I didn’t mind, though. It was actually kinda nice! He’s very gentle, and I’m the kind of person who really likes physical affection. I just hope Eddie was ok with it…

The third floor turned out to be this huge laboratory. Seriously, enormous! It was all tile, and it had these huge statues everywhere, and viewing platforms, and a stage and all these weird tool panels on the walls -- it was like something out of a movie! Behind the stage there was a curtain. I asked what was behind it but no one gave me an answer. Frank was standing on the stage in this weird green lab coat-thing. He thanked me and Eddie for agreeing to take this job, then finally described for us what that job  was . He said that he was a scientist; at the end of the month he was organizing some sort of convention where he would show off the advances he had made in biochemistry. However, he had bitten off more than he could chew, and at this rate found he would be unable to complete his experiment without considerable help. Magenta and Riff Raff had been putting in work, of course, but there was simply not enough manpower to go around. What was the experiment? He was building a man.

Yes, I wrote that down right. Building. A. Man. As in, a real live living person. I didn’t believe it myself when he said it -- I thought I had heard him wrong. But that’s really what we’re doing! I’m a little intimidated. I’ve never been very good at science, especially chemistry. I took it in high school, but it was really just a lot of measuring water with food coloring in it. But I’m going to do the best I can. Frank must have thought me and Eddie were something really special, to pick us for such an important job without checking if we had experience or not. I can’t let him down!

He showed us what he had built so far and we got to work immediately. The man is just a mostly-completed skeleton at this point -- so we have a lot to do! He’s missing a rib cage/spine, a left arm, and the top of his right leg. Frank’s not too sure what he’s going to do about this; he’s out of the faux-collagen he made the rest of the bones out of, and it would take too long to make more. Seeing the bones was the first time it actually struck me that this was real -- that I hadn’t made it up. Everything feels stranger and stranger as it goes along. I never thought something like this could happen to  me , of all people. Little  ~~ Penelope  ~~ Columbia Campbell, out making artificial life, something that shouldn’t even be possible! I’m sure Scotty would be proud of me. And he’d be proud of Eddie, too. Isn’t science neat?

Frank went to work preparing the other stuff the man will need when his skeleton’s done-- skin and muscles and the like. Riff Raff helped him while me, Magenta, and Eddie put ligaments in the man’s existing joints. To be completely honest, they’re just big rubber bands from a box. But they work! He can bend his arm and leg just about fine. It was tough to get it to work right -- We had these huge anatomy books with diagrams and everything, but me and Eddie never took biology and I don’t think English is Magenta’s first language, so we ran into a few issues. But we did it! We’re going to do his small joints -- fingers and stuff -- another day with smaller rubber bands. 

It’s real late again! We only just finished rigging the joints a little while ago. I’m pretty tired. I think I’m going to have to get used to this weird schedule everyone here is on. Me and Magenta finished watching TV -- We saw Riff Raff just kinda sulking around, then we saw a bird’s nest in a tree outside the bathroom window, then we saw Frank go into Eddie’s room and she turned the TV off. She’s going to bed too. ‘Goodnight Columbia!’ she just said. I like her a lot. I hope we can be good friends.

I think I could get used to the name Columbia. It sounds so nice when she says it.

Love,

~~ Nellie ~~ Columbia

___

10/28/74

Dear Diary,

Good news -- We’ve solved our bone problem. Bad news -- Our solution is kind of sort of a little shady. Riff Raff and Frank were off at their own little table while me, Eddie and Magenta kept ligament-ing when all of a sudden Frank stood up really quick and slammed his hands on the table. He almost knocked over one of Riff’s test tubes! He said that he knew how we could get the man the bones he needed without making more faux-collagen. He turned to me and Magenta and told us we had to go to the Denton cemetery and find a really old grave, then dig up the bones we needed.

I was super, super hesitant at first. I don’t know a whole lot about legal stuff, I’ll admit, but that seemed...dubious. But Magenta didn’t seem to have an issue with it. I mean, a grave would have to be really old for the body to have fully decomposed, right? So it’s unlikely there would be anyone still visiting or anything. That’s what Magenta said. Plus, I really didn’t want to let Frank down on this. It looked like he had put a  lot of effort in, and I didn’t want that all to go to waste just because I wasn’t down with a little...grave robbing. And besides...god, this is gonna sound so high school, but Frank is  really cool. I mean, like, one of the coolest people I have ever met. And I like to think I know some pretty cool people! He just seems so... perfect , like he’s a movie star or something. He has this flawless air about him I can’t seem to shake off. Everytime I see him its like being in sixth grade again when one of the cheerleaders would smile at me. I really want him to think I’m cool, too. And if digging up bones will do that, then…

Frank gave me the keys to his truck and me and Magenta headed out. It was a pretty nice drive -- I took the wheel because Magenta didn’t have a license, apparently. We talked a whole lot and listened to music. It was nice! She told me about her home country, Transylvania I think? Somewhere in Europe I’m pretty sure. I had wondered where her accent was from...It seems like she’s really homesick, though. I want to cheer her up, but I’m not sure how. Anyway, the oldest cemetery in Denton was the one attached to the Episcopalian church, so that’s where we headed. We had to search around for a while -- there were a lot of newer graves mixed in, too, and we definitely didn’t want to run the risk of digging up someone who wasn’t decomposed. Eventually we found a winner; Elias Morgan, 1782 to 1811. Pretty young guy -- but that’s what we were looking for. I wonder what happened to him.

Magenta dug while I was on lookout. It was a liminal experience -- I just stared out and shone my flashlight on her while she scraped away at the dirt. It took a long time. When she finally hit the coffin, she gestured for me to turn around and shine the light closer so she could open it up. I was taken a little by surprise when I saw the skeleton -- I had almost forgotten why we were here. His clothes had all decomposed, so it was easy to see what we needed. We took only what we needed -- ribcage and spine, left arm, top of right leg. But it was a lot more than it sounded like. He looked a lot smaller, once we were done with him. And bones are a lot  heavier than you would think! I took the arm and leg-part back to the truck while Magenta took the ribs, and it was almost too much for me to handle. We put them in the backseat instead of the trunk so they wouldn’t get any unwanted attention, then we drove back. 

The sun was starting to come up by the time we got back. I was so tired; but I was sort of proud of me and Magenta too. We’d done a good job. Frank seemed really happy with us! He helped us bring the bones up to the lab and thanked us. Then he hugged me. And he sort of put his arm around my waist for just a second and whispered ‘good job, Columbia’ into my ear. It made me feel... weird . Really warm, and then really guilty, for no reason. I’m not too sure what to think about it. The fake bones had looked pretty good on their own, but next to the real bones...not so much. They definitely looked fake, at least. But I mean, he’ll have skin and stuff on him (hopefully) so it won’t be such a big deal. I hope that happens soon -- to be honest I don’t like looking at him too much right now!

I’m trying to get to sleep. I really am! The sun’s up, and I’m so exhausted, but I can’t seem to get to sleep. I’m really hesitant to write this down but...I just can’t stop thinking about when Frank hugged me. I know I’m probably super overthinking all this, but something just felt  different . I mean, people hug me all the time. Magenta hugged me this morning, for god’s sake! But there’s something I can’ shake about when Frank did it. It felt... intimate . Ugh, that feels so wrong to say, but I don’t know what other word to use. It felt like his arms were lower on my body than you’d think, but it might just have been because of the height difference between us. And that whisper -- I shiver when I think about it too much. I feel... on edge . 

I can’t deal with this right now. I’m not going to think about it anymore -- I’m just going to focus on the sound of Magenta watching TV and go to sleep.

Love,

Columbia


	4. 10/29/74

10/29/74

Dear Diary,

I finally managed to get to sleep last night (or this morning, I suppose). I woke up in the evening along with almost everyone else. I think I’m finally getting used to the sleeping schedule around here, at least a bit! But I missed spending time with Eddie today…

It definitely seems like Frank is treating me differently. I can’t put my finger on how, exactly, it just... feels different. I can’t tell if I’m just crazy overreacting or not, but something’s definitely going on. He sat next to me at breakfast again today, and he was playing with my hair and touching me and stuff. But that’s not what was weird -- he does that to everyone. What was weird was that, for a good amount of time he had his arm around my waist. He hasn’t done that before. And when i passed him the scrambled egg plate he said ‘thanks, babe’ kind of loudly.  That I could tell made Eddie sort of uncomfortable. Magenta laughed, and I felt kind of embarrassed. I didn’t say anything, though.

Now that we have all the bones, it was a cinch for us to get everything connected. The rubber bands hold up well --  really well. Wonder what that says about the human body? It was really hard to get the joints in his fingers and toes together, but it was worth it. He’s a full skeleton now! We stood him upright for the first time. He’s a couple inches taller than Frank is, which seemed to make him happy. We’ll have to trim down his borrowed femur though, or else he’ll have a bit of a limp! The next step is to get some muscle on him. We’re not gonna deal with organs yet -- Frank says that’ll probably be the very last step, since they’re super perishable. So for now he’s just got a lot of rocks in him (to estimate out the weight of organs for measurements and stuff). Me and Magenta have decided to call him Rocky as a joke. Me, Eddie and Magenta started setting up his circulatory system -- it’s a bunch of these super-thin plastic tubes Frank gave us. Once we’ve got a heart and stuff we’ll connect it all. I’m not too sure how good all that plastic will be for him...but if it works, it works, I suppose.

It turns out this convention that Frank’ll be hosting has some sort of performance element to it, too -- He and Eddie have been working on writing songs together, and he wants me, Magenta, and Riff Raff to do some singing and dancing. It sounds like a lot of fun! But I don’t really know how to dance. I took tap when I was a little kid...maybe I can do something with that. Eddie had me listen to some of the stuff he’s come up with -- It’s really good! He’s even working on a song about us ♡♡♡ He’s so sweet. The working title is ‘What Ever Happened To Saturday Night’. It already sounds amazing! I’m so lucky to have someone like him in my life. 

Frank came into me and Magenta’s room while we were watching TV. He said he wanted to talk to Magenta -- privately. There was something really off about the way he said it. I felt as if something  more than that were about to happen, some deep gut instinct like when you watch a horror movie more than once. Problem is, I didn’t know  what . Magenta made this bizarre noise when he came in, too -- some sort of gasp, as though she were excited, but then she looked at me as if she’d been caught doing something wrong. I left the room when they asked me to, but something about the whole thing made me feel really uneasy. 

I went to Eddie’s room for the night. I was really tired, and I didn’t know when Frank and Magenta would be done talking, plus I kind of really wanted to see Eddie. It took me a while to find his room -- It’s such a huge house! But I made it eventually. Eddie was asleep when I got there, but he woke up when I opened the door. He’s always been a light sleeper. We talked for a bit, cuddled as I got into bed with him, but something seemed...weird. Like he was distracted almost. I was about to fall asleep when he said “There isn’t anything going on between you and Frank, is there?”

That kind of threw me for a loop. I said no, there wasn’t, and that seemed to relieve him, but now I’m not so sure that’s the answer. I can’t lie and say I don’t feel  something towards him, though I guess I did anyway. The problem is, I have no idea  what . I really want him to like me -- but I want everyone to like me, I suppose. We have all these weird interactions, like at breakfast today. And sometimes if I think about him too much my mind will start to wander, and I’ll start to overheat and feel like I’m going to throw up. But in a good way. Not to mention how  guilty I feel all the time.

Please, god, don’t let me be in love with him. That would be the worst possible thing, I think.

Love,

Columbia


	5. 10/30/74-10/31/74

10/30/74

Dear Diary,

Frank caught me and Magenta calling the man Rocky. We had to explain ourselves kind of awkwardly, but it turns out Frank actually liked it. He had been meaning to call him Peter, but he said Rocky had a better ring to it. So he has a real name now -- Rocky Horror. It was Eddie who decided on the surname. He didn’t have any real reasoning behind it; he just thought it sounded super cool. And it does! I feel good that he has a name now. He’s starting to become more of a person, even though right now he’s just bones and some rocks. 

There was a really good energy today. Is that a weird thing to say? I’m not sure how else to put it. Me, Eddie and Magenta laid down the existing fake-muscle while Frank and Riff worked on making more. The current plan is that we’re going to lay down his muscle over the rocks,  then put in his organs (instead of waiting until everything was in place already). This is so he doesn’t have any surgery scars. Frank seems awfully caught up about Rocky’s appearance...I’m not sure why it matters that much. I mean, if you’re building a living man, that’s already really impressive -- regardless of whether he’s covered in scars or not! 

There’s a bit of an issue with how we’re actually going to get him alive. That seems like it would be one of the first things you would sort out, but I’m not one to say anything! We need to find a way to get enough power in here to get his heart started and such, but not too much power that it would be dangerous for us to be in the room when it happens. That’s a lot of what Frank and Riff Raff are working on too -- it sort of seems like they’re doing the science part, and we’re doing the construction. Which I don’t have any problem with! I was never really any good in school, so I think it’s better for me like this.

Eddie went into Denton this afternoon and rented some movies. I was still asleep when he did it! It was really nice of him, but I feel bad that he’s not adapting to the sleep schedule around here very well. He’s always the first person to turn in for the night -- poor guy can hardly make it past one am :( I hope he isn’t overexerting himself. Anyway, he rented a bunch of science fiction movies for us, so after we finished up for the day me, him, Magenta and Frank all piled into me and Magenta’s room to watch one together (Riff said he didn’t want to). We watched When Worlds Collide -- it was sort of hard to follow, but the special effects were super cool!! 

Magenta saw me and Eddie kiss for the first time today. I guess she hadn’t known we were in a relationship, because this weird look came over her face and she asked us if we were dating. I said yes, and she just said ‘oh’.  Oh.  What’s that supposed to mean? And then she was really quiet for the rest of the movie.

I’m not sure how to feel about this. I really hope I haven't gone and made things weird between us. 

Love,

Columbia

 

___

10/31/74

Dear Diary,

Happy Halloween! I’m not too sure what there is to say about today other than that. It was a fairly standard day -- we got some good work done on Rocky. Almost all his muscle is on, which means within the next few days we’ll have to start thinking about organs. I wonder where we’ll get them from? We’ve already ruled out making them -- it would take too long, Frank says, and organs are a lot more complicated than bones or muscle or skin. You can’t just make them in a lab or replace them with plastic and metal.

We also did more work on the performance part, too. I started working out my tap routine and practiced it. Only thing is, I don’t have any tap shoes, so it’s a little hard to know whether or not I’m doing it right. I tried taping some pennies to the bottom of my regular shoes, but it sounds a little off. Maybe I’ll be able to go into Denton to pick some up closer to the convention. I’m going to sing something, too -- we’re all going to do a cover of that one song I really liked from the cafe!! I get a whole verse to myself. It goes something like “I was walking down the street just having a think when a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink” and then some other stuff I can’t super remember right now. Even though I’ve heard that song a bunch of times now, I realize I’d never really paid attention to the lyrics. But my part of it sounds a whole awful lot like how me and Frank met...what a coincidence!

Speaking of Frank, he was acting especially weird today. He was all touchy like he usually is, but in a sort of secretive way, and never when Eddie was watching. That just felt really bad, but I didn’t say anything. And...he might have grabbed my butt while we were working today?? But I’m actually not super sure. I was standing and talking to him about how to do the muscles on Rocky’s arms, so he had the anatomy book in one hand and the other sort of near my waist I think, and then  someone  touched my butt. It might have been him, but it also could have been Magenta doing it with Rocky’s hand as a joke. She likes to be funny that way! So I decided I’m not going to think about it too much.

Magenta has been getting really weird whenever we’re around Eddie. We started watching The Day Of The Triffids just by ourselves, and she was being normal and joking around just like we usually do, then Eddie came in around the last half of the movie and she sort of...turned herself down? Like she got way less talkative and stuff. I really want to ask her what’s up, but I don’t want to make things worse. I’m sure it's about Eddie and I; but why?

Other than that, it’s been a really good day. Here’s to an even better day tomorrow!!

Love,

Columbia

 

___

 

10/31/74

Dear Diary,

I know it’s not like me to do two entries in one day. But something really terrible has happened. I just...oh god, I just have to write this down so I’m not still thinking about it.

I was just starting to fall asleep when Frank came into me and Magenta’s room again. But this time, he wanted to talk to  me  . Magenta didn’t make any noise this time -- she was a lot more hesitant to leave than I was. She stood in the doorway for a long time before she left, just looking at me with this odd look on her face. Almost as soon as she was gone, Frank sat on the side of my bed and sort of just looked at me too. And then my heart started beating really, really fast, and my face felt really hot. He said that I was the sexiest woman he’d ever laid eyes on. That the word he used --  sexy  . I’d never been called sexy before; not even by Eddie. It made me feel ---god, I’m not even sure how to word how it made me feel. Good, I suppose, but in a bad sort of way. Like I knew I wasn’t supposed to feel good. And it made me feel really aware of my body. I don’t think I’m too bad looking; cute, or pretty, maybe, but not sexy. And definitely not the sexiest.

That’s not even the worst of it. He told me...god, I don’t even want to write it down, but he said he wanted to f**k me. I hate using that word, but that’s what he said.  That  made me feel strange. It sent this shiver down my body, like a weird impulse. It made me feel as if I were buzzing. Before I could say anything, he leaned over me and kissed me.  Hard . I mean, really, I got knocked back onto the bed! Even Eddie had never kissed me like that. I pushed him off of me, told him I was flattered but that I was with Eddie, etc. I tried to be real polite about it. He didn’t say anything in response to that for a little bit -- it was almost like he was thinking about something. Then he asked me if I was a virgin.

I ~~am~~ was. I grew up pretty Christian, you know, with the abstinence and stuff, and I guess I’d just never...I’d never really been all that interested. Like when I’d see Eddie it was never ‘wow I want to have sex with him’ it was more ‘wow I want him to kiss me’ or ‘I want to go out on a date with him’. Not that I’d never  felt  anything before -- I  was  a teenager once! -- I just never had any motivation to act on it. I felt it when Frank said all that stuff to me, and when he kissed me; that buzzing. He asked me if it had felt good. I said yes -- I was beyond the point where lying could get me out of it. And then he asked me if I wanted to do it again. I didn’t say yes -- but I didn’t say no, either. I said that I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to Eddie. He just said “Eddie doesn’t have to know. I won’t tell him.” And then he was kissing me again, and ~~oh god i dont want to write this down~~

We did...we did a lot more than kiss. I’m going to leave it at that. I think anyone who reads this will know what I’ve done. To be honest, I can’t remember specifics. It was all sort of a blur. I know that I was crying when  it    happened -- but not in a bad way. The opposite, actually. I was just so...overwhelmed, and it felt so good but I knew I shouldn’t have done it and I’ve already taken a shower and brushed my teeth three times but I feel so dirty and OH GOD  EDDIE!!  Oh, Eddie, how could I have done this to you?? It should have been with you the first time im sorry im ~~s~~ ~~orry im sorry~~

I’m going to sleep in the hallway tonight I think

Love,

Columbia

 


	6. 11/1/74-11/3/74

11/1/74

Dear Diary,

I couldn’t bear to look Eddie in the face today. I feel so bad, so  physically bad about what I did, I’ve been nauseous all day. I want to tell someone. But who? Not Eddie. Not Riff Raff -- I don’t think he likes me very much. Magenta? Would she understand? I’ve really gone and ruined things now, I think. Oh god, I’m such an idiot.

The worst part of it all is, Frank is just going about as usual. There was no indication that anything had changed between us, that anything had changed at all.  That  made me feel really bad too. I wanted him to say something, anything at all to me about it, even if just to convince me that it really happened. That there’s a reason I feel like this, that I didn’t make it up.

The work today was nothing really special. We put more muscle on Rocky; we’re almost completely done. He’s really buff, I’m just realizing -- It will be cool to see what he looks like all done. And I worked on my dancing some more. I’m starting to get the hang of my routine. There's one really hard part at the end I’m still struggling with, though -- it’s a lot of spinning, and I get really dizzy and then I lose my balance. Eddie told me I was doing a good job, and then I started crying. So he asked me what was wrong, because he’s such a good boyfriend and  ~~ i’ve messed up really bad this time ~~ . I lied and said I was just thinking about the end of Night Of The Living Dead again. 

I really want to tell him. I feel so bad about hiding things from him like this. But I don’t want to risk what would happen if he took it badly. Which I’m sure would happen; I’ve done something absolutely unforgivable, I think. The worst part of all is that it felt  good . That’s what’s most baffling to me. It shouldn’t feel good to do bad things -- that’s just unfair. It was...it was a feeling I had never experienced before. Well, I mean, of course, but on more than just that kind of level. I’ve learned something new; I wish I hadn’t.

It’s too late at night to think about this any longer. If I try and think too hard about what we did, that  buzzing comes back, and it gets hard to focus. I get...hot and bothered, if you will. I think it’s best to be honest with myself like that. What’s something else to think about...Magenta. She’s laying in her bed in her underwear, and she’s watching TV. She’s smoking. I wish she would stop smoking...and now she’s going to bed. ‘Goodnight Collie!’ she just said. We have nicknames for each other -- I call her Mags sometimes. We’re sort of best friends now. I mean, we’re the only two girls in this place, so it was bound to happen!

She said she wanted to give me a haircut. She said this a couple days ago, but I think I’m ready to let her do it now.

Love,

Columbia

 

___

 

11/2/74

Dear Diary,

Eddie’s sick --he’s come down with the flu. So he couldn’t work today. Frank put him on quarantine so he wouldn’t risk contaminating Rocky (since we haven’t quite figured out what would happen if he got sick at this stage). The poor guy’s been stuck in his room all day. Call me crazy, but...I feel like I’ve cursed him. Me and Frank  ~~ had s ~~ slept together, and now Eddie’s sick, I know it's dumb but I cant help but feel like its connected somehow. Maybe I’m just...guilty.

Anyway, the work went a lot slower without him. I really do think he has the best work ethic out of all of us doing construction work;me and Magenta can get distracted and fool around sometimes! Rocky’s mostly covered up with muscle now -- there’s some parts around the eyes that are being a little troublesome. So now, of course, there’s the organ issue. Frank’s planned out what we’re going to do when we get them, and where we’ll keep Rocky afterwards, we just actually have to...get them. Frank says he’s been making some phone calls, but we don't have anything yet.

I’ve noticed that Riff Raff has been doing a lot of work. I mean, a  lot . You just can’t stop the guy! He’s always the first one in and the last one out. And he never seems to get tired...I hope he’s not overexerting himself. Because honestly, I think without him this whole thing would sort of fall apart. He’s definitely the most coordinated out of any of us. The smartest, too. He’s  scary smart. Magenta said it was him who figured out how to make the imitation muscle, bone, and skin we’re gonna use for Rocky. She also bets it’s gonna be him who figures out how we’re gonna bring him to life. And I agree with her -- that guy’s got a lot of potential. Thing is, I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

With Eddie not around, Frank was especially...weird today. During our ‘lunch’ break (it was 11 o’clock at night) he pulled me aside into the hallway. He thanked me for...what we did, said it was fantastic, said he couldn’t stop thinking about it. Couldn’t stop thinking about  me . He said “I really think I’m falling for you, Columbia” and then just sort of...trailed his hand down my face really gently. It made my face get really red -- it sent a shock down my spine. It felt so... intimate . Which is really saying something! And he kissed me again. Not like when he was in me and Magenta’s room, gentler, like the way Eddie kisses me. I didn’t think anything could make me feel worse, but that really took the cake. I just sort of...politely excused myself, I suppose. Then I tried to avoid him for the rest of the day.

Oh, god, I can’t be in love with him, can I? That would be a sick twist of fate. My heart started beating so fast in the hallway -- it was like being a teenager again. There’s no way I can love him -- I just  can’t !! How would I explain that to Eddie, huh? I can already feel us drifting apart...we spend less and less time together. I feel so bad every time I see him, it tears me apart. Oh, what am I supposed to do?? Not to mention I still love Eddie. I know that for certain. I love him so much, and that’s why I feel like I want to throw up.

Magenta finally cut my hair. You’ll never guess how she did it -- she put a big salad bowl from the kitchen on my head and cut off all the hair around it. It looks better than I was expecting. I don’t look like myself anymore -- and I don’t  feel like myself, either, so now at least  I’m consistent in one way. She says if I’m interested she has some red hair dye left over that she could put on me tomorrow. I am interested.

Love,

Columbia

___

11/3/74

Dear Diary,

Eddie is feeling a little better today, so he’s working again. Hope he’s not still contagious! He was really surprised when he saw my hair. He said it looked nice. Different. That was all. I’ve been feeling so...insecure in our relationship lately, like there’s a barrier in between us. Well, there is; it feels so wrong to hide things from him, but at the same time...I don’t think I have it in me to tell him.

It’s a shame there wasn’t much work to do today now that Eddie is back. There was only a little bit more muscle to put on Rocky -- so now we’re done with that and we’re ready for the next step. Which is organs. We don’t have organs! (what a funny thing to write!!) So Frank spent most of the day placing phone calls trying to get something organized while me, Eddie and Magenta played card games and stuff. I think Riff Raff was the only person who got any real work done today! He’s just always hunched over some textbook or another, writing pages and pages of notes. He even writes on the walls sometimes!

Magenta was sort of...weird again, now that Eddie was back. That sort of shallow-friendliness when you don’t know someone very well, or you don’t like them but want to be polite. I don’t know what’s going on with her. She was her old self just yesterday! Is something going on with Eddie? I’m not sure how to ask her. She dyed my hair today -- red, like she said. Only, we ended up diluting it too much, so my hair’s more pink! But I think it looks cute ♡♡♡ and Magenta really likes it too. 

Today was a really good day. I’m happy. Maybe...maybe all this Frank stuff can blow over, and me and Eddie will be alright again, and everything will be okay.

Love,

Columbia


	7. 11/4/74

11/4/74

Dear Diary,

I apologize ahead of time for the long entry. I’ve just had...one of the most eventful days of my life. And that’s really saying something, based off how the past few weeks have gone for me! But today really takes the cake.

We found a solution to our organ problem. Me, Eddie, and Magenta were playing go-fish when Frank burst in, saying he had figured it out. He explained that he’d just gotten off the phone with a friend of his who works at Dentonvale, the local hospital -- more specifically, the morgue at Dentonvale. A man had just come in DOA from a car crash, and as no one had made a claim to him or his body, he was up for the taking. At least, that’s what Frank said. I’m not sure how organ donation works, exactly, but...anyway, Frank said he had to go immediately. He packed me and Magenta up with surgical tools, masks, and jars and told us to ask for Ricky.

The drive over to Denton was...intense. We were going as fast as we possibly can so we could get to Dentonvale soon enough. Magenta seemed really excited, and I was too. It was sort of a rush, the anticipation of it. I was going to have to handle a dead body! Just two weeks ago I wouldn’t have even dreamed of doing such a thing. It would have grossed out Penelope Campbell, but Columbia Campbell is the kind of person who doesn’t get hung up about that sort of thing. I really have changed!

We parked in back and snuck in through the ambulance-only entrance. It wasn’t busy at all, but we put our masks on just in case so no one would see our faces. I had a Betty Boop mask and Magenta had a frog mask. Which, in retrospect, might have brought up some questions if someone had seen us! But it was fun to sneak around. We got a little lost, but eventually we made it to the morgue. There was this guy sitting in a folding chair reading an issue of Playboy -- When we walked up to the door, he nodded at us, then got up and opened up the morgue. That must have been Ricky. He led us to the body, then just said ‘I’ll leave you girls to it’ and returned to his magazine.

The body was a lot neater than I would have expected of a car crash DOA. Magenta gasped when we took the sheet off -- it was louder than I would have thought. The sound must echo in the morgue. This is where I got a little afraid. It was a lot different than seeing the skeleton -- more human, more visceral. I caught a glimpse of the tag on his ankle. It said ‘MILFORD’. Magenta took out our tools and handed me the jars and we got to work. I wasn’t too sure where to start, so we decided that Magenta would make the incisions and cut everything loose, then I would jar them and put them back in the bag.

There is a lot more blood in a person than I realized at first. It got all over us! We were wearing gloves, though, and we’d brought a change of clothes each, so it wasn’t too big a deal. And there are more organs than I thought there were, too! Magenta was really fast. She just kept pulling stuff out and handing it to me, almost faster than I could put them in jars. We did the work in silence, but it felt...it felt like we were close Like we were a team. Some of the organs I couldn't even recognize. I did get to hold a human heart, though! It was...an experience. I felt powerful. Is that weird?

Eventually Ricky came in and told us we had about fifteen minutes to get out before his shift ended and another, probably-less-willing-to-let-us-take-organs nurse would come in. I looked over to Magenta, who was sawing the skull open to take a peek at the brain. When she got it open, she pulled this grimace and just shook her head at me. ‘We can’t use this’, she mouthed. I didn’t bother to look in for myself -- I took her word for it. We loaded all the jars back into the bag (we had to carry some) and thanked Ricky on our way out. He said to tell Frank he said hi. 

When we got into the parking lot, we just started laughing. Laughing and laughing. I’m not really sure why. It was just...a good moment. We hadn’t been caught, Rocky was going to be a real man, we had just done something super crazy and the sun was rising and everything was just... good . It felt cathartic. We laughed and danced and spun around in circles until we saw cars coming in to park, so we put the jars in the back of the truck, quickly changed clothes and hightailed it out of there. While we were leaving Denton, Magenta asked me to pull over for a quick second near a second-hand shop. I just sort of did it, didn't ask why, and she hopped out and ran into the store. About a minute later she was back with a bag in her hand. When I asked her what it was, she just smiled and said it was a secret. 

Frank was really happy with the work we did. He hugged Magenta, and he kissed me.  That I wasn’t expecting. Right in front of everyone, too. Everyone except Eddie. I felt a little embarrassed when he did it, but it was still...nice. Physically, that is. It  felt nice. I sort of wish he hadn’t done it, though. I had had such a time with Magenta, I’d sort of...forgotten, about all the stuff going on. And Magenta did her weird look again when it happened...ugh! Anyway, he thanked us both for getting the organs and looked them over while he put them in the deep freeze. Then he asked us where the brain was. Magenta said it was unusable. Nothing more than that. It sort of made me shiver the way she said it -- such an important, necessary part of the body, unusable. I realized I hadn’t actually seen it. Frank seemed a little disappointed at that, but he said we could always go back another time for another body.

I’m still just sort of...basking, I suppose, in what we did. It was like an adrenaline rush, the fear of getting caught, the sneaking around, just...everything. While I write this I’m just sort of laying back in bed and staring at the ceiling, trying to put it all together. It doesn’t feel quite real yet. Magenta gave me what she had gotten in the shop -- it was a pair of tap shoes! Real tap shoes, for my routine! I was so happy, I gave her a big hug. She said she had seen them in the window while we had driven in and she just knew she had to get them for me. I can’t believe she went out of her way and did that just for me! They’re not quite my size, but I love them anyway. Tomorrow we’re going to bedazzle them so they really stand out!

I asked Magenta where she got the money for them, and she didn’t tell me. I didn’t think much of it at first, but now I realize she probably stole them. The craziest thing is, I don’t think I really mind.

Love, 

Columbia


	8. 11/5/74-11/6/74

11/5/74

Dear Diary,

Is it possible to be in love with more than one person? Like, really, actually in love? I sure hope so. Otherwise I think I could be in a lot of trouble right now.

I can’t deny that what I feel for Frank is love. It’s...not healthy to try. But, god, is it worse than I thought. Even the sound of high heels will set me off -- my heart’ll start beating really fast, even if it turns out it’s not him. And every time I see him I feel like I’m about to explode. We...did it, again, last night. I didn’t write about it because I fell asleep. He told me he loved me, afterward. Just said it, outright; “I love you, Columbia”. I said it back, but only really because I didn’t know what else to say. I know it’s the truth -- I wish I didn’t know. I feel as though I’m at a crossroads; this can’t go any further without Eddie knowing, it can’t! I either have to ‘break up’ with Frank, or with Eddie.

And yet, I know that I still love Eddie. We’ve been dating since freshman year -- that  means something to me. He makes me feel warm, comfortable. He’s familiar. We don’t have any secrets between each other -- well, except for the one big one, right now. Whenever I picture myself getting married, it’s to Eddie. While Rocky was in surgery today, he was being really cute; he’d hold my hand and stuff when we were idle. It made me feel really secure. Would it be possible for us to stay friends, if we broke up? I really don’t know what I’d do with myself if I just… didn’t talk to him anymore. And besides, I don’t have any reason to break up with him. He hasn’t done anything wrong. If anything, he should break up with me.

Also...god, this is embarrassing, but I think I might be falling in love with Magenta, too. This sounds so cliche, but I feel like we’re...more than friends. We’re closer than that. It was mostly me and her helping out while we put Rocky’s organs in -- Eddie’s still a little sick, so he had to turn in early. So we just...hung out, I suppose, while we worked, and joked around and had a good time. But it felt like something more. I’m not sure how to explain it. I feel...different around her than I’ve felt around my other friends. When she’ll brush my hair or we’ll share clothes, it feels more intimate. When we change in the same room, I get embarrassed. We share a bed sometimes -- and when we do it, it feels like we’re a couple. What’s going on with me? I’ve never had feelings like this towards another girl. I know I’m not a lesbian -- I’ve  definitely been in love with men. But then what am I? Is this allowed?

She kissed me today. When we were done with the organs -- she smiled and kissed me on the lips. I pulled away at first, then she kissed me again, and I asked her to stop so she did. I sort of wish I hadn’t. She just kind of...looked at me, like she was guilty, and she said sorry, and I wanted to kiss her so she would know it was ok but I didn’t. That means she feels the same, right? What about her and Riff Raff? Is she in the same boat I’m in? Should I talk to her about it.

 It’s too late at night to think about this. I made a list of things i have to do tomorrow -- I have to talk to Frank. I have to talk to Eddie. I have to talk to Magenta, and maybe kiss her again so I can know if this is real.

Love, 

Columbia

___

11/6/74

Dear Diary,

Me and Eddie have officially broken up. I think. We haven’t spoken to each other all day, but I can...feel it.

It happened at breakfast; Frank was sitting next to me (he’s been doing that more than ever now), and he kissed me. Right in front of everybody. Even Eddie, this time. It wasn’t a long kiss, but the way Eddie looked at me afterward made me want to crawl into a hole and die. He looked like one of those sad dogs in the animal shelter commercials that always make me cry -- his eyes seemed to get just slightly wider, droopier, and I felt as if he were frowning though his face didn’t move. He made a noise like he was trying to say something, but no words came out. I think I...nodded at him. I’m not sure what I meant by it, but he nodded back like he understood. So I guess...that’s it.

We stayed separate while we were working. I worked with Magenta on unraveling yarn for Rocky’s hair while he did some more work on the skin. Rocky’s almost done now -- once we get the skin on, it will just be little details like fingernails and eyelashes and the like. There are still a few big issues, though -- like eyes. And the brain. And what we’re actually going to do to get him alive, which is the biggest issue of all. This really seems to be making Frank and Riff Raff frustrated. They’ll get into these fights sometimes -- they’ll yell at each other and make threats and stuff. I’ve heard Riff say he’ll kill Frank. I’m not too worried about it, though; They’re both adults, they can work through their own stuff. And no one’s died yet.

We did a lot more work on the performance elements too. Eddie’s done with his song, though I doubt he’ll do it now. It’s a shame -- it sounded really good. And we’ve sorted out the schedule of things, too; When everyone’s gathered on the lower floor we’ll do our group cover, then Frank will come down and do a solo. Then we’ll have a number when Rocky’s born, and possibly Eddie’s song, then the event will be over. It’s a lot to learn!! I almost have my tap routine down, though -- the shoes Magenta got me really help. I tried to do it for everyone today , but I got sort of stressed out that everyone was watching me and I fell over trying to do the trick at the end.

I’m...not sure where things are going to go with me and Frank now. Are we in a relationship now? It doesn't quite feel like it. And yet, it doesn’t quite feel like we aren’t, either. Does that make any sense? It’s like being at a school dance, and kissing someone, and then giving them your phone number and hoping for the best. He’s clearly  interested ; he clearly intended for things to break off between me and Eddie. So then why am I not mad at him? A big part of me wants to be with him. But another part of me wonders if that would be a nail in Eddie’s coffin. Could I really do that to the poor guy? Should I?

I’m done with just waiting around for things to sort themselves out. It’s not going to happen -- I should know this by now. I’m going to talk to Frank tomorrow. I have to. The only thing left now is to think of what to say.

Love,

Columbia


	9. 11/7/74-11/8/74

11/7/74

Dear Diary,

I did it. I talked to Frank about what he thinks our relationship is. It went...well? I think?

It was after we had finished up on Rocky for the night. He’s pretty much all done -- Just eyes and the brain. Riff Raff thinks he’s worked out how he’s going to be reanimated (or just animated I suppose?) but there are still a few issues. First off, we can’t really go back to Dentonvale to get eyes or a brain. Stealing organs is...a  lot more noticeable than we accounted for. In a small town like Denton, people lose it anytime something even a little unusual happens, so of course the story totally blew up within hours. And it super didn’t help that someone got a picture of us -- it was with the masks on, and it was pretty blurry, so we’re not in any danger of being caught or anything, but we’ll definitely be picked up if we try to pull that stunt again.

Anyway, after we finished dinner, he sort of led me off into to one of the hallways to talk. It started off normally, but eventually the topic shifted to relationship stuff. He asked if me and Eddie were still together. I said no, and I was going to mention that he should know, but I...didn’t. I don’t know why. It just sort of didn’t happen, that time. He asked me if I would be interested in a relationship with him. I said yes. Because...as much as I don’t want it to be, it’s the truth. I’m in love with him -- There’s nothing else you can call this dizzy, near-nausea I feel every time he talks to me, the way it makes my face turn red and my knees knock together. 

So I guess...that’s it on that end, too. He seemed really happy -- his eyes lit up in this adorable way and he kissed me on the cheek. And he whispered in my ear if I wanted to stay in his room from now on.  That certainly made me feel a way! It wasn’t what I was expecting. Not this early, at least! Every time we’ve...done it, before (I really need a better phrasing for that!) it’s been in me and Magenta’s room. Not only that, but it seems more...intimate, I suppose, than I’m used to. I’ve never shared a room with anyone in  that kind of way -- not long term, at least. 

Magenta seems...on the fence, about the new living arrangements. She’s happy for me -- but at the same time she seems almost worried. She says that Frank can be really impulsive when it comes to relationships. She told me not to get too attached. She said that’s why things are so weird between him and Riff Raff sometimes -- apparently they had been together at some point, but Frank had broken it off. And now they sort of hate each other. I hadn’t known that. I’m really glad she’s looking out for me, but I don’t think anything like that is going to happen. Call me naive, but I have a good feeling. I feel like things will turn out ok, for me, for Eddie, for everyone. I hope Magenta isn’t too lonely by herself.

I’m writing this from Frank’s room right now. I’m just realizing this is one of the only places in the castle I haven’t been yet -- it’s a huge room, all black and silver, with a giant bed I bet would be big enough for  everyone . A lot of candles, too. It’s sort of Gothic, I suppose. I feel...happy. I think that’s the only way to put it. I feel as though I’ve concluded something. And it went well!

Love,

Columbia

___

11/8/74

Dear Diary,

Day one of being with Frank has been good! He announced it to everybody at breakfast (though not really for information’s sake -- I’m sure people could already tell). He seemed really happy, which made me smile. His voice changes in this real subtle way when he’s happy; takes on an almost sing-song tone, and I love it. Eddie looked like he was happy for us -- I can’t quite tell completely just from his face, but he didn’t seem upset, at least. 

Our relationship has, right off the bat, been more...sexual than I was expecting. That’s a weird thing to say, I know, because of how it started off and all, but I’d sort of thought it would...stop. That once we were in a committed relationship we wouldn’t do that anymore. Or, at least, not often. But it doesn’t quite look like it will turn out that way. We did it last night (or more like this morning, I suppose). We had both woken up in the middle of the night/morning (time still works a little weird here) and eventually it just sort of...happened. Not that I’m complaining though! He’s...good, at that. God, I’m still kind of embarrassed by this kind of thing. I’m getting better about it, but all throughout being a teenager my parents told me not to get involved with boys like this. I mean, I’m 23 and I was still a virgin up until this month! It’s still so weird to me that there are people who just...have sex. (there, I said it!)

Rocky’s coming along great -- we solved our eye problem. You’ll never guess who came by! It was Ricky, from the hospital! And he had this ice chest with him. In the ice chest was a pair of eyes! Baby blue eyes, all wrapped up and ready to use. I realized I’d never seen an eye outside of a person before -- it was a little creepy. We didn’t ask where Ricky had got them -- we didn’t think to, and it’s probably better we don’t know! So, anyway, we spent most of the day putting them in Rocky’s face. It was really hard! Frank didn’t want us to make any incisions, so we basically had to go in blind (haha). So it was a lot of putting the eyes in, attaching them, and standing him upright to see if they would stay (with Eddie close by to catch them when they didn’t!). I wish Frank would have just let us cut him open! But he wants him to look flawless for the convention. I wonder why…?

Me and Eddie are talking now, at least. It’s superficial, though; asking to pass tools or whatnot while we work. He doesn’t seem upset. More...resigned, I suppose. It almost seems as if he was expecting this. High school romances never last, do they? Ours had a good run. I feel sad, but its a bittersweet sort of sadness. I’ll always have a place in my heart for Eddie. 

I’m in Frank’s room right now. He went out to do something, but he’ll be back in a little bit. We’re probably going to have sex when he gets back. That will be nice, I think.

Love,

Columbia

 


	10. 11/9/74-11/10/74

11/9/74

Dear Diary,

Today was a really great day! I was a little bit afraid me and Frank’s relationship would end up...weird, because of how it started and all, but he’s really so sweet to me ~ it’s almost exhilarating. All through today he would keep kissing me and ruffling my hair and saying how cute I looked. Eddie would do stuff like that too, sure, but with Frank it felt...refreshing. Exciting, and new. I wish I could explain why. I feel bad, almost, that I feel so happy. It doesn’t seem fair to Eddie. But who am I to dictate my emotions? No matter what I do, they’ll catch up to me one way or another. I know this now.I’m happy, and that’s good. Eddie’s surely happy that I’m happy. Right? 

Rocky is...done. Well, he still doesn't have a brain, and there’s no blood in him, and he doesn’t have a belly button but other than that...he’s complete. It’s strange, to look at him. Not that he looks strange -- he’s actually rather attractive to be honest! -- It’s strange to realize that we  built him. He wasn’t born; he’ll never have been a baby or a child. He just... is . He looks like a regular person, but on the inside he’s all full of plastic and rubber bands and fake bones and fake skin and fake muscles. God, I remember when he was just bones! I’m tearing up like an old grandma. Does this make me a mother? 

Most of today’s work wasn’t  on Rocky, but it was about him. Me and Magenta went into Denton and bought food for him. We’re not too sure how strong his teeth are going to be, so I hope he likes applesauce and jello! We also started getting some clothes together for him -- we bought a lot of that in Denton, too, but some of it we’re going to sew! Magenta taught me how today. It’s a little shaky, but we’re getting there! For the actual convention we’re making him this pair of gold shorts on Frank’s request. It’s so we can show off the most of his body that we worked so hard on -- that’s what Frank says, at least. I just hope he’s not too cold because it can get really chilly in here!

Frank is also saying he wants to invite some people from Denton to the convention. Specifically, a couple -- newlyweds. God knows why. But he asked me, Eddie and Magenta to ask around at the Episcopalian church for couples getting married there on November 30th. So...we did. The lucky bride and groom are Betty Monroe and Ralph Hapschatt; they went to my school. I was entering sixth grade when they graduated. I remember Betty because she always did the school announcements, but I don’t think I ever met Ralph. I wonder if Betty remembers me? When we told Frank, he seemed happy we’d gotten a match for the dates. He said he’d get to work right away on inviting them. I’m not too sure what he means by that...but I’m sure it’ll be fine.

You know, only now does this all seem real. This is really happening; we really built a man from scratch, really threaded him together piece by piece, really painstakingly organized every stolen and mis-matched element and made something incredible. We’re really going to bring him to life on November 30th, 1974. We’re really going to make history, aren’t we?

Love,

Columbia

___

11/10/74

Dear Diary,

I think Frank is getting tired of me. I know that’s a weird thing to say, I know! I just have this sense of...foreboding. I can feel it deep in my gut. I’m sure I’m overreacting; I mean, it’s day three, for god’s sake! But something is...wrong.

He was out of bed when I woke up. Yesterday and the day before, he had waited for me to wake up and then we went to breakfast together. But today he was already gone. He didn’t even say anything about it when I got to the table; he just went on like everything was normal. Is this normal? I suppose I wouldn’t know. I’ve never been in a relationship like this before. Not ever. Everything feel so much more intense than I’m used to -- it’s almost frightening. I catch myself feeling out of breath, sometimes, because of how much I feel. 

That wasn’t the end of it, though. He hardly talked to me all the time we were working today -- we started filling Rocky with blood. It took a while for us to decide what blood type she should have, but we eventually settled on O. Me and Eddie are the only people who have type O, so we’re going to be the donors. We did the first round today -- there’s only so much blood you can take out of someone before they pass out liked I did. I expected Frank was going to like, stay by me or hold my hand or something; it was a really freaky experience! I really don’t like needles…I was really scared, okay! So, anyway, I passed out, and when I got back up Frank wasn’t even in the room. He’d gone off to do something or other. That...hurt. I can’t explain why. Every other person was in the room -- Eddie, Magenta, even Riff for god’s sake! It was just Frank who was gone. And that hurt a whole lot. 

We sorted out the final performance schedule today, too. Eddie’s still gonna do his song, even though it’s about me and stuff. I find that sort of...commendable. He has a real commitment to his art! :) And I think I’ve finally nailed my tap routine. Magenta said it looked great! Frank was being sort of weird when we were rehearsing too, now that I think about it. When I asked him what he thought about my routine he just said it was ‘nice’. One word. Usually he’ll have like, actual advice for me, specific things he thought were good or that I could change. But now we’re freaking  dating and all he says is ‘nice’! I’m sure I’m overreacting here. I really don’t want to be one of those crazy girlfriends. It’s just...frustrating!

I don’t know how to feel about all this. It’s sort of...weighing on me. I can feel something wrong deep in my gut. Problem is, it’s too deep for me to quite know what is is at all. I can’t sleep -- I’m in Frank’s bed right now. He’s not here, though. He went off to do something. Is this what a relationship is? It was never like this with me and Eddie. But nothing with Frank has been like it was with me and Eddie.

God, my head hurts. I’m so tired. I’ll figure out everything in the morning.

Love,

Columbia


	11. 11/11/74-11/12/74

11/11/74

Dear Diary,

Me and Frank broke up.

It only happened a little while ago, actually. That’s why my handwriting is so shaky right now; I only stopped crying a few minutes ago. Everything was pretty normal today -- he was still being a bit odd, I suppose, but not more so than yesterday. Things were alright. I was having a good day. But then, when it was time for bed, Frank said he didn’t want me in his room anymore. That he really thought I was a special girl, but he’d lost interest. Those are the exact words he used -- ‘lost interest’.

He said it so casually, too, and it makes me want to throw up. I feel... used . Is that a strange way to feel? It’s not something I’ve ever really felt before -- it’s a contender for the worst feeling in the world. I was so naive, wasn’t I? How much could I have really meant to him, that he could ‘lose interest’ so quickly? Or did I do something wrong? Oh, god, I hadn’t even considered that! Did I do something to make him not love me anymore? I feel so confused; it’s like a million things are rushing through me all at once. Like having butterflies in your stomach but in the worst way possible. I have a headache.

I think the worst thing of all is how torn up about it I feel. This doesn’t feel like the end of some torrid fling; I feel  crushed by it. My stomach hurts, physically hurts. When did I fall this hard for him? I didn’t see it happen. But I guess no one ever sees things like this happen. And he told me that he loved me; he said it twice. I kept that number in my mind. Every time it felt... alien . Like I were seeing something familiar through a new lense; though rose-colored glasses, so it seems. But was it all just a reflex of his? 

I went back to Magenta’s room. I was going to ask her politely if I could come back in to stay with her, but she opened up the door and she looked so pretty and she was wearing these really cute pajamas and I just started crying. So she took me inside, and she just kinda let me cry it out and she went down into the kitchen to make some tea. When she came back I had calmed down so I told her what happened. And we drank our tea and she put her arm around my shoulder, and we just...stayed like that, for a while. She said this thing that keeps echoing in my mind “Frank doesn’t do relationships like humans usually do.” The phrasing felt...odd. I couldn’t put my finger on why.

And I kissed her. I finally did it! After what, a week? And she seemed surprised. But she kissed me back, and we kissed for what felt like a long time and then I started crying again. It was...softer, than kissing boys. It felt gentler; I’m not sure if I like it better, but it was really nice. I’d never noticed how good Magenta smells before -- like cinnamon and vanilla and the tea she had made.

Four days. It lasted four days. I really am pathetic, aren’t I?

Love,

Columbia

___

11/12/74

Dear Diary,

Another day, another nail in my coffin. You know that saying ‘ignorance is bliss’? I think I finally get it. I know why Frank broke things off now. I really wish I didn’t, but I do.

It happened completely on accident. I threw up last night, and I was feeling really bad when I woke up, so I didn’t work today. Not that there’s even much to be done; we’re just kind of messing around while Frank and Riff Raff try to find a brain. That and gathering blood of course -- I still did that today. Frank came to me and Magenta’s room with the tools and did it in there. Seeing him made me feel even worse.

Me and Magenta were watching TV when I found out. It didn’t happen the way bad news gets delivered in movies -- no buildup, no anticipation. No hint that something was amiss. It just presented it’s horrible, horrible truth and let me to deal with it. We were flipping channels through the rooms of the castle when we stopped on Frank’s by accident -- Magenta dropped the remote, I think. Eddie was in there, and he and Frank were kissing. They were standing by the door. Then Frank pushed Eddie down on the bed and they kept kissing and...yeah. I don’t think I have to say anything more. Magenta just said “Oh” then I started crying again

But Magenta started crying, too. I didn’t know why. I’d never seen her cry before -- it was almost horrifying. I asked her if she’d known. I’m not sure why I asked that, but it seemed right. She said yes. I asked her if this was the first time. She said no. I asked her if she knew when it had started. She gave the saddest little laugh and said “Remember when Frank caught us calling Rocky ‘Rocky’?”

And then at that point we just sort of fell apart. We started talking about sex, about relationships, about dying, about being dead. I told her how me and Eddie met, I told her about how cool he was when we were in high school, about his band, about when we would park down by the lake and make out in his dad’s car until midnight. Magenta talked about life in her home country, about the plants that grew there, how much she missed laying on the beach and just looking up at the stars while the ocean pounded and roared. I told her my real first name. She told me that Riff Raff was her brother. And that didn't even phase me, and I started laughing, and she started laughing, and we were laughing and sobbing because everything is ruined now.

Everything is ruined now.

Eventually we got sort of delirious, and we just started saying nonsense things. I told her my dad drove a sixteen wheeler and my mom was a truck stop stripper, and that’s how they met. She told me she was an alien, and that Transylvania was really a galaxy far out in space and she lived on a planet called Transsexual. And we kept trying to out do each other, and we kept laughing and giggling, until Magenta just fell right asleep. I’m still awake, but I’m exhausted.

I wonder if a pit can just open up and swallow me whole while I’m asleep, so I don’t have to see Eddie’s face tomorrow.

Love, 

Columbia


	12. 11/13/74-11/14/74

11/13/74

Dear Diary,

I really want to know how Frank does it. How a person just...rebound so fast?

He announced that he and Eddie were an item at breakfast. It was almost comical, in a way; I acted like I was shocked, said a few fake congratulations. Eddie gave me this awkward little smile, almost as if he were apologizing, and that was the most genuine thing of all. God, you know, sometimes I think he’s the only other real human being in this whole damn place! Frank is...well, Frank. Riff Raff has just gotten weirder; he hardly talks anymore. He just works, works and works and works, with this scowl on his face. He looks miserable. And Magenta -- I love her, but she’s weird too. She and Riff Raff seem to be planning something; I’ll catch them whispering in corners and looking around shiftily. I’ve figured out why she was weird with Eddie at least, but now she’s weird around me as well. She hasn’t really done anything different but I can just...sense that something has changed between us. I wish I knew what I did, at least so I can make sure I don’t do it again.                        

I feel almost as if something has happened, and everyone else knows what it is except me. Everyone seemed happy just yesterday -- even I was happy parts of yesterday. But now everything feels bad, and I can’t figure out why, and I feel so horrible every time I’m around everyone. Nobody’s happy now -- no one except Frank. And Eddie. I’ve become a sidekick in my own life; I can’t think of a worse fate.

We gave more blood today. Eddie went first; he’s not even afraid of needles like I am, but Frank stayed while he got blood drawn. Magenta tells me I have to not fixate on that kind of thing, or else I’ll stay miserable, but I can’t help myself. Was it something I did? I mean, I’ve only ever had one boyfriend (or two, I suppose) but even I know you’re probably not supposed to break up with someone after just four days unless they do something  really messed up. I catch myself running those days through my head over and over, trying to figure out something,  anything I could have ruined. Sometimes I’ll be thinking so hard I’ll actually break into a sweat. Today I got distracted, thinking and all, and I forgot to keep track of how much blood I had lost. That made me pass out. I’m up now, but I still feel really light headed.

I know it’s...not healthy for me to feel like this. But I can’t help it. 

I feel almost numb. Frank has done something to me; taken something from me. I want it back.

Love,

Columbia

 

___

 

11/14/74

Dear Diary,

You know, all this Frank and Eddie business makes me think of when I read Hamlet junior year. There was this one part, when Hamlet starts to go crazy, and Polonius describes it like ‘he fell into a sadness, then into a fast, then into a weakness’ or something like that.

If yesterday was the fast, and the day before was the sadness, I guess today is when I fall into a weakness. It really is true; I feel exhausted. I almost wasn’t able to get out of bed today -- Magenta had to drag me! I just didn’t have the energy for it. I still have that numbness from last night. I want to be upset, really, truly upset, or angry, or  something , but I can’t do it. I’m just left with this gnawing emptiness inside of me. I don’t like it at all. 

Work on Rocky has grinded almost to a complete halt. We’re stuck without a brain; it’s finally starting to sink in with everyone. The brain is the most important part. Without a brain, we don’t have a man. Frank has been trying his hardest to get us a brain but to no avail. It’s harder than getting any other organ -- The thing is, the most prime condition for organ repurposing is traumatic head injury, which in more cases than not means the brain is in less than ideal condition. That means Ricky can’t come through for us like he did with the eyes. We’ve started brainstorming back up ideas; things we can make in 2-3 days that we can present at the convention instead. None of them are quite as cool.

I feel...disappointed. That’s the only real word I can think of for it; maybe tomorrow I’ll think of something better, if I’m not still so tired. I was so happy to have this job! I was happy to be here with Eddie, I was happy to see Frank, I was happy to do work on Rocky. Now I don’t have Eddie, I don’t have Frank, and I probably won’t have Rocky either. I feel as if life has cheated me.

But I still have Magenta. I still have Magenta; and that, I think, is what’s keeping me sane. She has been gentle with me. She seems to understand, understand in some deep set way. Other people have...noticed: Eddie asked me how I was doing at one point, and he seemed almost guilty. The other day I thought Riff Raff was trying to give me a high five but he ended up just sort of awkwardly hugging me? So...that was a thing that happened. But Magenta seems like she really gets it. Maybe something similar happened to her with Frank? From I can understand, he really...gets around.

Me and Magenta have kissed a couple more times. It’s been nice. I wish I had a more poetic way to describe it, but that’s really what it is! It’s nice. She’s so gentle and warm ~ We sleep in the same bed a lot of nights now, too. I can’t really tell if we’re together or if we’re just really good friends. Maybe both! She’s really helping me hold on right now. I’m honestly just so grateful that I have her in my life -- I don’t think I’ve ever been as close to another girl as I am with Magenta.

Life has its ups and downs, I suppose. I just have to hold on hopes that more ups are coming for me.

Love, 

Columbia


	13. 11/15/74-11/16/74

11/15/74

Dear Diary,

Today was...better. It’s strange; I feel as if I’ve passed some sort of threshold, and I’m okay now. You know when you pull an all nighter, and you’re so tired, but then you get to the point where you’re just...not tired again? That’s how I feel right now. 

I feel as if I’m living in a dream. Not a daydream, mind you; a dream. I feel beyond myself, like I exist but I am watching the physical me from somewhere else. It’s not a sad feeling, it just... Is . Does that make any sense? Today I didn’t eat any breakfast; I just sat at the table and stared off into space. It’s not like I’m starving myself, though! I ate a snack later because Magenta was complaining she could hear my stomach growl. I guess I’ve just been distracted. Eddie and Frank seem to be happy. I really, really wish I could be happy for them, but I can’t find it in myself to do it. I feel like everything in me has just been flushed out, and I’m waiting for it to all build up again. 

Today we did nothing. There’s nothing left to do. Rocky is all done, but there’s still no brain; so he might as well not exist at all. It’s a little sad, I suppose. We were all so ready for him to be alive, to be a part of our...our family, I guess. In the strangest way, we are a family, for better or for worse. But we’re not a family Rocky will be a member of. Is this how it feels to lose a child? I’m not quite sure. In a way, there never was a child to begin with. It’s more like when you make a plan to do something, and it never happens, but only years later do you realize it never happened but it’s too late to  make it happen. It a sort of distant sadness. And guilt; god, I feel really guilty. I feel as though we let Rocky down.

I’ve become stagnant. We all have, I think, to some degree. We sit in the lab and stare off into space. There are no more card games to play, no more distractions. The blood we took sits unused in the refrigerator; if I were up for it, I’d be angry that it’s being wasted. Sometimes someone will accidentally go to put it in their coffee, which will prompt a stale laugh from the rest of us. But other than that...nothing. Nothing at all.

Oh god, what happens to me now? 

I remember an old joke kids at my highschool used to tell. There’s a bunch of big billboards around town that say ‘DENTON: THE HOME OF HAPPINESS’ and whenever the bus passed one they’d all shout ‘so is Denton heaven or hell?’ and crack up. I could never tell why they did it. But I have an answer for them now. Denton is a sort of purgatory; this castle, whatever it is, is hell. 

Love, 

Columbia

___

11/16/74

Dear Diary,

Frank and Eddie have made it four days. 

They seem to be going pretty strong still. Who knows, maybe they’ll make it to the end of the week. (I am being sarcastic by the way. If only there were a way to write out sarcasm!) I feel this sort of primitive bitterness towards them, something deep in my stomach that feels older than I am. I have been written out of this story, it seems. Out of Eddie’s story and out of Frank’s, too. I suppose now I have to make my own. The thought should be empowering, but it just frightens me. I think I missed my chance; I’m too old to make my own story. I’m only 23, but I feel so very, very old.

Am I unloveable? I know that’s not a good thing to think about. But seeing Eddie and Frank getting by so well, being so happy, the question comes up in my brain quite often. It’s almost like some kind of screwed up love triangle, where the two guys who are after the girl just end up with each other at the end. But then what happens to the girl? What does she do? I can’t help but blame myself for all of this. I must have done  something . This isn’t just the kind of thing that people do on a whim for laughs. But if only I knew what!!! I’ve been trying so hard to not fixate on this, but it sneaks into my brain every idle moment. I fear that even when I am very old I will still be thinking about it, wondering what I did and what I should have done.

I have been thinking a lot about Ralph and Betty. Frank has this bizarre plan, you see; he wants us to ‘invite’ them to the convention. I know I wrote about this earlier, but I put invite in quotes because we are not asking them. We are going to organize an accident, Frank says. It’s going to rain on the 30th, so we are going to lure them into the woods and set up something that will make them have to stop at the castle for shelter. This sounds very illegal to me; if not that, then just...not very kind. I mean, I went to highschool with them! I could just freakin’ ask them if they wanted to go or not! But I don’t have the energy anymore to say anything about it. It’s a bit sad, I suppose, but this is how I live now.

I wonder if Ralph and Betty are happy together. I can’t quite remember what they look like; I have this fuzzy image of high school sweethearts at prom, the king and queen waving and the crowd applauding as they share a chaste kiss on the stage. I daydream about them often. Sometimes I think of them but as me and Eddie instead, happy in love and getting married on the 30th. 

I want something terrible to happen to Eddie and Frank. I wish I didn’t want this, but I can’t help it. Sometimes I’ll see Frank and Riff Raff yelling at each other and I picture what it would be like if Riff just killed him. And sometimes I think about Eddie and Frank having some sort of epic fight with one another and somebody gets killed on accident. Usually it’s not Eddie, but sometimes...Oh, god, I’m going crazy, aren’t I? Occasionally this paranoia will wash over me. I’ll be trying to live my life as best I can, but then I feel like everything's falling apart. I feel like any moment someone here is going to hurt me -- physically or emotionally, I’m not sure. 

I wonder if this is how it feels to be Riff Raff. He is a great guy, sure, but he’s super worried looking all the time. Lately he’s been even worse; I don’t think he’s been sleeping. He and Frank will get into these shouting matches -- they’ve never been on great terms, but now we’re talking two or three times a day. It’s horrifying to listen to. I get the overwhelming feeling he is making some sort of plan; he is planning something with Magenta. They whisper with each other and stop when anyone walks by. But Magenta hasn’t mentioned anything about something like that. That, I think, is even weirder than what Riff is doing.

I can’t shake the feeling that someone is going to die in this house. I really hope it is not Eddie; I hope equally that it is going to be me.

Love,

Columbia


	14. 11/17/74-11/19/74

11/17/74

Dear Diary,

In the sickest way, the universe has finally decided to give me what I want this time around.

Frank and Eddie had a fight today. I can’t remember what exactly it was about; probably something dumb, but they were arguing and started yelling at each other. Not on the sort of level Frank and Riff Raff are on, but it was still pretty intense. It was right at the dinner table, too, so I couldn’t really leave. Me and Magenta just sat and shot these looks at each other while we pretended not to notice.

Me and Magenta were talking about it in our room just a few minutes ago, after we finished kissing again. I have been kissing Magenta more and more lately; does this make us...girlfriends? I am certain that I am in love with her now, but it doesn’t feel like being in love with a boy. It feels more real, less filtered, less inhibited by expectations and self-consciousness. I feel like I can be more open with her without forcing myself into it. Does that make any sense? I think...maybe it doesn’t have to.  It’s just the kind of thing that exists, whether it makes sense or not. 

But back on topic. Frank and Eddie’s fight. It’s left something in the air; this feeling of uncertainty. For better or for worse, their relationship was one of the few stable and regular things in this castle, now that Rocky’s out of the picture. They were a constant; only a constant for five days, but the closest thing to a constant that we’ve had. We are all only human after all -- we crave the familiar, something we can hold on to that doesn’t change. But now our one thing is changing. Worse than that, its in jeopardy. We’ve already lost Rocky; what else do we even have left to cling to?

I know that I am about to say something disgusting here. I know I’m just the bitter ex-girlfriend, after, all but here it is: I am excited about the fighting. I am! But it is a sort of morbid, unpleasant excitement. I feel nauseous whenever I see the two of them together, but now it is tinged with an odd sort of expectation. It’s the sort of excitement you get in a horror movie when you know something bad is going to happen to the main character.

I wonder if they will keep fighting, or if this was a one time thing. 

Love,

Columbia

___

11/18/74

Dear Diary,

The fighting has continued. 

Twice today they started yelling at each other; during breakfast, and then again only a few minutes ago while me and Magenta were trying to go to sleep. It’s strange...I can’t recall what either occasion was about.

That’s all that really happened today. That’s depressing, isn’t it? But it’s the truth. I came here thinking I’d be living more, living larger, but now I’m here and I’m not living at all. I don’t want to think about it, because if I think about it I know I’ll cry, and Magenta’s in here with me so I don’t want to worry her. She’s sleeping in my bed tonight, even though it’s so hot; There’s not a lot of room so we’re all curled together. It feels so nice. 

Maybe I ought to just off myself. That would spice things up around here, wouldn’t it?

Love, 

Columbia

___

11/19/74

Dear Diary,

Eddie and Frank's fighting has gotten physical. It was tolerable, even a little exciting, when they were just yelling at each other, but now things have escalated and gotten really bad. It was during dinner again; I feel as if Frank is doing this on purpose, so we all have to sit and watch. Eddie was talking about something or other -- some band he liked, I think. And at one point Frank told him to shut up, and Eddie just kind of glared at him and kept talking. Then after a few more moments Frank picked up a fork from the table and stabbed it into Eddie’s hand.

It was horrible to look at, deep down on some visceral level, and I felt bile rise in my throat. Eddie screamed, and he sounded like he was really hurt. But then he just pulled the fork out of his hand and threw it at Frank. And then they were throwing things, and they were still yelling, and eventually Magenta got up from her seat and pretty much just kind of pulled Eddie away? Like, grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him out of the dining room. She’s a lot stronger than I thought; Eddie’s not a small guy! I ended up just kind of following the two of them out.

I sat with Eddie and Magenta in the bathroom while Magenta wrapped up his hand and stuff. I just kind of sat there...I really wish there was something I could have done! Now that I think about it, there probably was, but whatever it was I didn’t do it. Oh, well. It was the closest I’d been to Eddie in a while, I realize; he looks so much more tired. I’m sure I do, too, though. Something has changed about him, but I can’t put my finger on what. It makes me very sad, somewhere deep down. I used to know him so well, but now I feel like I’m back in college helping some drunk stranger to their car. I pity him, but it’s a sort of distant feeling. I wish we could go back to the way we used to be.

Me and Magenta watched Eddie and Frank on the monitor. They were kissing, but now they’re yelling at each other again. I think I’ve forgotten how people are supposed to function.

Love,

Columbia


	15. 11/20/74

11/20/74

Dear Diary,

Eddie got really badly hurt today. I didn’t see how it happened. All I know is that something happened at dinner, just like always. I wasn’t at dinner because I threw up a few hours before and I felt like garbage, so I didn’t really want to eat. So I was just in me and Magenta’s room, practicing my part of the song and my tap routine, when Magenta came in dragging Eddie by the arm. He had a black eye, and he was bleeding. He was bleeding a  lot ; Magenta had some on her clothes, even.

We bandaged him up as best we could, and Magenta went downstairs to get a frozen steak to put on his eye. She went really secretly; I think it’s because Frank was still down there. Yesterday Eddie was talking the whole time we fixed him up, complaining and grumbling under his breath. But today he didn’t say anything. No one did. Eddie was silent, and Magenta just had this strangled looking expression, and I didn’t say anything because no one else was saying anything.

What’s happening here? I feel like I’ve fallen asleep in a movie theater and woken up during the end of the film. Eddie will not tell me what went on, what is going on; I'm completely in the dark. I’ve known him longer than I’ve known anyone in the world -- other than my parents, maybe -- and now he's being abused and he won't tell me what is going on. All I want to do is help him; god, I want to help him so badly that it hurts, a physical pain in my stomach. But I can’t. I am watching him be torn apart through a window and I can’t do  anything .

Somehow Frank has become an alien to me. I have not talked to him since he and Eddie started seeing each other. I see him now only in these flashes of violence I witness, or hear him described in the violence others witness. I loved him, and now I know him even less than I did when we first met. Oh, god, that was only a month ago, wasn’t it? I feel as though I have lived in this place for many, many years, that I have borne witness to its rise and now am bearing witness to its fall. 

I almost killed myself tonight. I really almost did. There is codeine in the medicine cabinet of the second floor bathroom; it’s for Magenta’s headaches. After everyone was asleep, I went down there and poured all the leftover pills into my hand. There were maybe twenty or so. I just kind of stared at them for a very long time, and then I ended up putting them back. It was initially because I didn’t think I could actually put them all in my mouth at once; I’ve always been bad at taking pills. But now I realize it doesn’t do me any good to die, does it? Even if I’m not here, life will go on. Eddie will keep getting hurt and Magenta will keep dragging him into the bathroom or our room, Riff Raff will keep sneaking around and plotting, and Frank will keep changing and changing. So I might as well stick around. Besides, I’d miss Eddie and Magenta a whole lot if I were dead.

And there’s the convention, too. God, that’s coming up real soon. It just sits in the back of my mind, and every now and again I remember that it’s really happening. It’s going to be a trainwreck. I feel a sort of masochistic duty to see it through to the end. This is the reason I came here, after all; if I die before it happens, I’ll be even more of a waste. Maybe by the time it’s over, Magenta will have taken more codeine, and I’ll have an easier time.

I wonder what will happen to Eddie tomorrow. It is a sick sort of wonder; anticipation, like Christmas Eve when you’re a kid but in the worst possible way. But at the same time, I feel like something terrible  needs to happen, and that once it does things will be alright.

Love,

Columbia


	16. 11/21/74-11/29/24

11/21/74

eddie died today thats all

___

11/29/74

Dear Diary,

I know I haven’t written in a long time. It’s taken me over a week to wrap my head around what’s happened... to acknowledge what happened to Eddie. To cope, I suppose, if one can ever really cope with something like that. But I think I’m ready now. I feel a sort of duty to write it all down, because I know that no one else will. So here it is. A bit of a disclaimer -- I did not see Eddie die. I was asleep when it happened; I thank god for that small kindness. But Magenta saw, saw everything, and she told me, so this is what she saw.

Eddie and Frank got into another fight, the fight that would become their last and most terrible. It was not as bad, physically, as some of the others, but Magenta said something about it filled her with a terrible fear. Frank left the room to let off some steam, and after about a half an hour he came back in with this huge smile on his face. He said he had the greatest idea; he said he knew how we could get a brain for Rocky. Everyone was really excited, and they applauded, and they all wanted to know how Frank had done it. But he said it was a secret. Then he said he had to talk to Eddie in the lab; in private.

Magenta says she doesn’t know exactly what happened between when they went to the lab and when she saw Eddie die. But she said it couldn’t have been more than fifteen minutes before she took the lift up to the lab. She said she was consumed by this worry -- this deep set fear that something was very, very wrong. I understand what she means. Perhaps this is our curse; to know when things will end up terribly and be unable to stop them.

When she got to the lab, Riff Raff and Frank were there, and Eddie was in a chair. He was tied to it; Magenta said he was struggling and shouting, but soon after she arrived Riff Raff put something in his mouth so he wouldn’t make any sound. Then Frank took something out of his pocket, a vial of some kind, and poured its contents into Eddie’s mouth. It was an anesthetic or something, Magenta guessed, because shortly after Eddie calmed down and his eyes closed. Riff Raff rolled the operating table out into the lab and they put Eddie on it. And then Frank went and got the surgical tools. And then…

I changed my mind. I don’t want to write out all of the details. I still feel nauseous thinking about it all; I threw up after Magenta told me. The long and short of it is that Eddie is dead and Frank killed him. Frank took out his brain; half of it, to be precise. That’s all he needed. He put the brain, and Eddie’s body, in the deep freeze, for whenever it will make its way into Rocky. Magenta said that Frank just threw him in there; she went out to the front of the castle and brought his motorcycle and helmet in, and tried to prop him up on it. Just so he could have a little dignity, she said. So he wasn’t just laying there. It was a morbidly sweet gesture, and it made me cry.

So Rocky lives, but Eddie has to die. Isn’t that messed up? I mean, I cared a lot about Rocky, but if I had known his being alive would mean Eddie had to die I wouldn’t have given him a second glance. This all feels as though it came out of the blue. And yet at the same time, I feel there must have been some sort of clue; some man behind the curtain, some hint that everything was going to go to shit. And I missed it. God, I’m an idiot. If only I paid attention for once in my life, Eddie would still be alive. 

Today I went into the lab to try and visit his body. Just to...confirm to myself that it was real, I suppose. It all felt like some sort of tasteless joke that everyone was pulling on me. I needed to see it for myself, no matter how horrible it was. But Frank was in there when I arrived, and he was doing something with Rocky. So I hid and I watched. I don’t know why. But what I saw...scared me.

Frank had opened up Rocky’s skull and was putting Eddie’s brain inside. So much for no incisions, I guess. But I suppose it’ll be hidden by his hair. That’s not was was so scary. The whole time he was putting the brain in, he looked so... excited . He kept stroking Rocky’s chest in this odd way and whispering into his ear. He was tapping his foot too, like he was impatient and couldn’t wait. It made an echoing noise in the lab. I crawled a little closer -- I was laying on my stomach and looking down from the platform through a gap in the railing -- and I saw something bizarre; Frank had an erection.

This frightened me. I don’t quite know why. But I ran back to the lift and went down to me and Magenta’s room. She was awake, but I didn’t tell her what I saw.

The convention is tomorrow. I think I know why we built Rocky now.

Love,

Columbia


	17. 11/30/74

11/30/74

Dear Diary,

Today is convention day.

We had to wake up very early today -- by very early, I mean about the time a normal person would wake up. The wedding was at noon, after all. It was the first time since I can remember that I’ve woken up before 7:30 pm; it felt really weird. Magenta set an alarm, so when that went off me and her got dressed and then went downstairs. We have to wear these really plain clothes; it's so we don't stand out at the wedding. We didn't talk to each other. We haven't talked since last night -- since she told me what happened to Eddie.

After we all got ready and ate breakfast, Frank drove us all into Denton. I didn't make eye contact with him. I can't shake this feeling that he must know I was there yesterday, even though he was...distracted. but he didn't say anything to me about it, so…? I feel so frightened when I'm around him now. Frightened and angry. I wish I could do something about it, but I feel frozen by everything; by all my own fear and anger. So I just had to sit with him in the car for the whole miserable car ride.

The wedding really was lovely. Me, Magenta, and Riff just kinda stood in the back and pretended to be church employees or something. It was kinda half assed, but no one bugged us back there, so. Frank was the priest; I wish I was kidding. But he was up there, running the ceremony with a terrible contained smile. Don't even ask me how he managed  that . So much for not drawing attention to ourselves! Not to mention I'm almost certain he's not ordained. But he wanted the attention I suppose; I'm starting now to pick up on all this stuff he does, and it makes bile rise in my throat.

Ralph and Betty really are in love. At least, I think so. They smiled through the whole ceremony. They look so much older than I remember; they must be what, 30 now? That's so uncomfortable to think about; it makes me feel like I should be somewhere further in my life. I was crying while they said their vows -- I always cry at weddings. Magenta put her arm around me and held me during the ceremony. I wonder if I could marry her someday. In a perfect world, Eddie would still be alive and I would marry the both of them.

When it was over, everyone swarmed about for pictures and the bouquet throwing, and me, Magenta and Riff made our way into the crowd and up to the church door. There were a  lot of people; it made me kind of claustrophobic. I didn’t see who caught the bouquet, but she sounded really excited, and I thought I knew her voice but I couldn’t quite place it. Eventually the crowd started to thin out, until only a few stragglers were left. Then, Frank tapped my shoulder, which made me jump, and he pointed to a couple who were standing out in the attached cemetery of the church where we got some of Rocky’s bones. I looked at them for a while and I realized it was Brad and Janet!

Brad and Janet used to be some of Scotty’s students back when he taught science still. They were his ‘remedial’ students; they hadn’t done very well in other science classes so they needed extra help. He took a liking to them, especially Brad. I remember him talking about Brad one time, when me and Eddie were in middle school. “He’s such a smart kid, he just tests so poorly.” Something about this stuck out in my mind. I saw him once, too -- he was building something in Scotty’s garage. I kinda waved at him and he waved back. He used to be such a scrawny kid, but he’s so tall now! Janet’s so lucky. Janet...she got so beautiful! I mean, she was pretty as a senior, but now she’s just gorgeous. She must have learned how to wash her hair properly -- it’s not greasy now like it was when we were in school. 

Anyway, the two of them were talking to each other, and Brad kinda had his arm behind his head like he was embarrassed. Janet was leaning in really close to him. I couldn’t hear what they were saying. But then, outta  nowhere , Brad started running around and singing! He was singing! He had written a song for Janet and he was singing it to her. It was so cute I almost started crying. It’s the sort of thing Eddie would have done for me if we’d made it to 30. The song wasn’t as good as a song Eddie could have written, but still...and then they got to the church steps and Brad went down on one knee and pulled out a ring.

Janet looked SO happy!!! She kind of squealed and then threw the bouquet (I knew I’d recognized the voice of the woman who caught it!) towards the church and I ended up catching it. That made me sort of sad. I didn’t know what to do with it so I just sort of held it. Then once Brad finished his song and they kissed and were being super cute, Frank whispered into my ear. ‘Scratch the Hapschatts. Let’s get these two. Pass it on.’ So I told it to Magenta and Magenta told it to Riff Raff. I had almost forgotten why we were at the wedding in the first place -- it made me feel really guilty to watch Brad and Janet being such cute dorks about each other. I felt like I was about to make something really bad happen to them. I was totally right, but I didn't know that then.

Once the two of them drove off, we all left too and went out to Beaver Creek Woods to lay out our trap. I call it a trap because that’s what it was, essentially. We had a sort of strip of spikes, the kind where if you go over them one way you’re good but if you go the other way it takes your tires out. I told Frank that they would probably be going to Scotty’s house at some point to tell him the news of their engagement; he was a close friend to both of them, after all, and it seemed more likely than not. So I directed them to the road where you get off to his house and that’s where we set it up. First we put up a fake dead end sign that me and Eddie had made before he died and set it up across the width of the road. Then we put the spike strip down a few feet away. The idea is that they’ll go up the road, see the sign, then back up and their tires will pop. Then since it will be raining and all, they’ll have to go to our place for help. Frank thanked me for my information with a kiss on the lips and I genuinely wanted to die.

And then we waited. It was only about four pm or so by the time we finished up our trap, so we spent some time setting up the convention. Me and Magenta cooked food and put it out on the table while Riff Raff and Frank set up the ball room for the guests. They put up this big banner that said ‘ANNUAL TRANSYLVANIAN CONVENTION’. Me and Magenta picked out clothes we were going to wear for the event, too. I went kinda fancy with this sequined gold top hat and jacket I found in Magenta’s closet. Magenta pretty much just wore the same thing she wears all the time but she put on a frilly headpiece thing. I guess when you do one of these things every year you start putting less effort into it. 

People started showing up around seven o’clock, but most of them arrived between eight and eight thirty or so. Some of them I recognized from the party the first night I was here -- that feels like decades ago. It was a whole variety of people, every kind you could imagine, but they were all wearing the same basic outfits; a black suit with different brightly colored undershirts. Was there some kind of dress code I didn’t hear about? And they all came in on motorcycles….it was weird. Maybe scientists are just weird. They seemed pretty alright though. There was this one really tall guy who said thank you when I offered him a donut. Frank didn’t come down at all during this part of the convention, not even to greet guests. It gave me some time to relax. 

People just kind of milled around and listened to music and ate snacks until the doorbell rang at about quarter past nine. Then we all kind of froze. Frank had given those of us who lived in the castle the rundown on what to do when the couple showed up; he must have told the other guests too. Riff Raff would go get the door, Magenta would lie down on the stair railing, and I would sit on the jukebox and wait for my part of the song and the tap routine. At some point the clock in the foyer would start tolling, and then I’d start the instrumental, and when Riff Raff opened the door to the ballroom we’d all get going with the song. So when the bell rang Riff Raff and Magenta ducked out the door really quick, and me and the rest of the guests stayed really still. Everyone stopped talking. It was kind of...exciting. I was starting to feel a little better about the convention by this point, but it was temporary. As are all things, I suppose.

I heard Brad and Janet come in because the door slammed behind them, but I couldn’t hear anything they were saying. I wonder how they must have been feeling then; it was a pretty long walk from the trap to the castle, so they were probably pretty worn out -- not to mention soaking wet from the rain. I felt a little guilty that we had put them through that. But I also felt like they could maybe have fun. I was having fun, at that point. But then I heard the clock from inside, so I turned the music on, and it was almost like I could... feel the fun leave my body. It was as if I were being drained. I was overwhelmed by the deep knowledge that there was no place I wouldn’t rather be than right here, on this jukebox, wearing this itchy jacket and top hat. But by then it was too late. I tried my best to get into the music, to look as though I were enjoying myself, but the room felt too alive. It was as if it were  buzzing . It didn’t help that the music was incredibly loud, too. 

I got shocked by Riff and Magenta opening the door -- I had spaced out a little. So I really quickly jumped into the chorus of the song and watched everyone do the dance. Janet fainted when she saw everyone; it made me feel a little sad. She was okay though. Brad caught her. Magenta sang her part of the song; she has such a lovely voice. I realize now that I never heard her practice. She must be really talented! Then another chorus and it was my turn. I could tell that everyone was watching me and it really stressed me out, but I got all the words right! And then it was time for my tap routine. It went really awesome up until the end. I was so worried about screwing it up, and I knew everyone was looking, and I couldn’t stop wishing that Eddie was there so I fell down on the last move. That move I worked so hard on! And now I’ll never get the chance to do it for anyone ever again. What a damn shame.

Missing that move really soured my mood, especially since Magenta kind of laughed at me about it. I’m sure it was good natured, just friendly teasing or whatever, but it still made me feel kind of bad. I joined in with the rest of everyone and we finished the song. Janet still looked really freaked out, but Brad looked like he was having fun. That made me feel a little better. We ended the song with lying on the floor, so I was having a pretty good time lying on the floor and at one point Brad said something like ‘do any of you guys know how to Madison’ which was kind of funny. But then I heard the lift start, which meant that Frank was coming down. To be honest, I had sort of...forgotten, that he was part of this whole thing. I guess I got distracted. Hearing the lift go made bile rise in my throat. I really didn’t want to see Frank -- I knew that any fun I was having would go away. Plus him arriving meant I had to get up off the floor and get ready to dance again, and I was really tired.

Janet fainted again when she saw Frank. I don’t blame her; he had really intense makeup on and was wearing this long black cloak. He looked like a vampire. I almost missed the cue for starting the music because I started spacing out while he was coming down. But I got it in time! I did my best to look excited instead of freaked out, and I think it worked because no one pointed me out or anything. Frank’s number was alright, I suppose. I’d heard the song like a million times, but the other guests seemed to like it. Brad and Janet...not so much. They looked really worried. Worried, and something else. Intrigued, maybe? Or embarrassed. Something about that combination of emotions sort of freaked me out. Probably because of how  familiar it was. I remembered myself earlier this year, arriving at this castle, not knowing what was in store for me. I’m sure me and Eddie had the same look on our faces.

After the number Frank went up to the lab to get ready for Rocky’s birth and most of the guests followed. Magenta and Riff Raff and I stayed downstairs with Brad and Janet. The two of them started to dry the couple off -- that was nice of them -- but then they started to undress them, which was less nice and more weird. Was that part of the plan? I don’t remember it. Janet really freaked out, but Brad was oddly calm about the whole thing. He was trying to soothe Janet but it wasn’t working. I cracked a joke or something to try and lighten the mood (I can’t remember what I said exactly) but also because I wanted to see if either of them would recognize me. They didn’t. It was a long shot, I know -- with my hair and makeup and all, I hardly look anything like I did in Denton. But I still felt disappointed. I think part of me hoped that if they had recognized me, they would have been so freaked out that they would have left, and not followed me, Magenta and Riff up to the laboratory to watch Rocky’s birth.

Rocky’s birth. God, was  that a trip! We had rehearsed it a bunch of times, but we’d never practiced  with Rocky -- and we never practiced what we would do if it didn’t work. I was so nervous on that lift ride up to the lab that my knees were shaking. Janet asked me if Frank was my husband, which didn't help either. It definitely helped how planned out most of it was, though. We had it down to an order that we had to leave the lift in; Frank had called it “virgins first, assholes second, assorted weirdos to the rear” ie. the girlfriend, the boyfriend, and then us. I had thought it was funny at the time, but now it just seemed mean spirited. Then me, Magenta and Riff went to set up the speakers and microphone and make sure everything was in check with Rocky’s tank while Frank made small talk with Brad and Janet. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but it seemed...friendly. All the party guests had gathered on the platform above the lab; I have no idea when or how they all got up there. Once everything was in order, Frank went up and gave the speech he had planned. 

Me and Magenta had to stand next to Frank and not move while he gave his speech. I guess it was part of the aesthetic or whatever, but it was so hard! I felt really fidgety, like just had to bounce my leg or shake my hands or I would die. Plue having to stand that close to him made me feel really anxious and bad. After the speech was over we went over to the tank and took of the covering really dramatically. Rocky was bandaged up and suspended in some sort of water -- Frank must have wrapped him up after he put in the brain and whatever the hell else he did. Then we dimmed the lights and Riff Raff went over to the control panel, and the process began. You know, for all the times we practiced, I really couldn’t tell you what exactly it was that Riff Raff and Frank figured out would bring Rocky to life. I can’t remember the specifics of what happened. All I know is that there was a flashing light, that Frank was laughing the whole time in this scary happiness, that I was more worried than I’d ever been about whether it would really work...and that it worked.

Rocky screamed when he was born. As soon as we took the bandages off his face and everyone started cheering, and Frank said something like ‘Oh, Rocky!’ he was screaming. I suppose that’s normal -- babies cry and all. But when I saw his face, that face I’d help build piece by piece, when I saw it moving and looking around and  living , it filled me with a fear more terrible and deep than I’ve ever felt before. I felt as though we had done something very wrong, something that we shouldn’t have done. This deep dread washed over me. I became overcome with the feeling that today was the last day. But the last day of  what I didn’t know. My life? My time here? I felt nauseous, and I had a headache -- all of this was as soon as he got out of the tank.

Riff Raff played a dirty trick on Rocky right after he was born. Rocky had grabbed onto the device we had used to bring him to life; I guess it was like his mother in a way. But it was attached to the ceiling and we had lowered it down with like a wheel or something. So while Rocky was trying to get a sense of where he was -- or  what he was -- Riff started reversing the wheel really fast and sending Rocky up with the device towards the ceiling. That made Rocky scream again. Frank ran over to the control panel and kicked Riff Raff in the back with his heel which made him release the wheel and send Rocky zooming back down to the tank. Rocky didn’t seem hurt but he looked really freaked out. It made me really sad. What a shitty way to kick off your first thirty seconds of being alive, right? Me and Magenta helped him down from the tank and undid his wrappings; sure enough, he was wearing the shorts we’d made. Along with a pair of matching sneakers? Which was a little funny because he quite literally was not wearing anything else. Once we took off all the wrapping, Frank had come behind the tank and put his arms around Rocky...and Rocky ran away.

Rocky ran from Frank! He wormed his way out of Frank’s arms and up to the platform where all the guests had been watching. The guests all ooh and aahed at him and reached out to touch him, and it looked as if Rocky was...pleading with them. He did not speak. I realize, now, retroactively, that he probably  can’t speak. I can’t figure out how we messed that up. It makes me feel weirdly bad, that he might have all this stuff inside his head that he can’t get out. That must be why he ran away; because he knew something. Half his brain is Eddie’s, after all. Does he...remember things? I wish Frank had thought of this earlier, thought of using half of one of our brains for Rocky. Not only because then I would have known how it works, but I could have volunteered and saved all the trouble.

Frank chased after Rocky the whole way until Rocky went back in the tank and it was over. It was like Frank was manic; he was shouting and tripping over his own shoes. And Rocky was still screaming, of course. It was really loud and chaotic and I wanted to cover my ears but I was supposed to stand still like the plan said. Only this wasn’t part of the plan at all. Eventually things settled down, And Frank just kind of stared at Rocky while he tried to catch his breath. I got really scared that Frank would do something to Rocky, or hurt him, but he just ended up kind of...lightly scolding him, I suppose? It was really bizarre. Because he used this certain tone of voice; the tone of voice he had used when we...well, you get the picture. It was uncomfortable, to say the least. After that, Frank asked us all what we thought of Rocky. Magenta and Riff Raff said he looked really good and I said he was okay. I can’t remember why I said that. I think I had kind of freaked myself out by thinking about Rocky too hard. Besides, he’s an awfully impressive experiment, but as a man he’s not really my type. When I said that, Frank stopped grinning and stared right at me and said ‘okay?’. It was one of the most horrifying things I’ve ever experienced. I really thought he was just going to reach out and snap my neck or something. Is that an overreaction? I really thought he was going to kill me. Then he smacked the tank and said ‘okay!? I think we can do better than that!’ and took Rocky’s hand and led him over to Brad and Janet.

To be honest, by this point I had sort of forgotten that they were here. They looked kind of freaked out too, but it was different. They were scared because they didn’t know what was going on; I was scared because I did. Frank asked the two of them what they thought of Rocky and Janet said she didn’t like men with too many muscles. Brad looked like he couldn’t tell if that was a compliment or an insult! Then Frank got kind of pissy and said something like ‘I didn’t make him for you’, and walked Rocky over to the second part of the convention; showing Rocky off to everyone.

I hadn’t actually known what exactly this part of the process would look like. I was kind of...mentally out of commission for a good while, so that’s when it must have been set up because I don’t remember any of it. Frank had organized various exercise machines and set them up in various places around the lab, and we pulled them all into the center where everyone could see. Magenta showed me where they were so I wouldn’t make a fool of myself. Then Frank showed Rocky how to use it and so on. It was kind of interesting, I suppose, but at the same time...really creepy. There seemed to be a feeling to it that Rocky wasn’t getting; a context to the whole event he didn't understand simply because he was not alive to see it form. There was something everybody knew except him, like an inside joke he was being left out of. It felt...exploitative. At one point I sort of zoned out and walked away from where the action was, over by Brad and Janet. But then the deep freeze light started to blink.

See, the deep freeze has a button to open it on the outside and on the inside. When someone opens it from the inside, a light goes off and there’s a beeping sound, so everyone knows to get out of the way of the door when it opens. Rocky and Frank happened to be in front of the door, so they ran to safety. But there was no one inside who could have opened the door, right? Nobody...except Eddie. Except Eddie! I called out his name when I saw the door open. It was on instinct; I knew it had to be him in there, alive despite everything. That should have been ridiculous to me, I know. But I suppose that, on some subconscious level, I had never really acknowledged -- or believed -- that he had died.

Nothing happened for a moment; there was just a big wall of ice. Then there was this terrible crashing noise, and Eddie  drove his motorcycle through it . That’s right. I can hardly believe it myself, even as I’m writing it down, much less when I actually saw it. But he was alive in there, and he drove through the ice on his motorcycle because that’s where Magenta put him. He looked terrible; he was so pale, and there was this huge gash on his forehead, but he was smiling as everybody gasped and yelled. And then he got off his motorcycle, too his helmet off...and he started singing. He started singing the song he wrote! He started singing the song he wrote about me! And he started dancing!

I couldn’t believe it. I thought I was dreaming; I actually pinched myself. But Eddie was here. He was alive. He had died, but he was back again by some miracle, and I was so happy I started crying. Really, I started sobbing. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. And he couldn’t take his eyes off of me! He danced with me, he hugged me, and he kissed me, wildly, crazily, lovingly. He loved me again. It was as if dying was a reset, took us back to what we used to be before all of this. And yet we were something more than we had ever been. We weren’t the high school lovers any longer. We had blossomed out of the tragedy of this house into people who were a little sadder, maybe, but a little wiser, a little more fascinating. We danced passed Brad and Janet, who looked absolutely bewildered; it filled me with the weirdest sort of ecstasy. 

Eddie twirled me around one last time, got on his motorcycle and blew me a kiss. Then he began to drive up the ramp towards all the guests! They shouted and all got out of the way. No one was hurt. Then he got off again, picked me up, spun me around and put me on the seat of his bike. It was only then that I started looking around, and I saw Rocky locked in the lift, and Frank grabbing the ice pick, but it was too late by then. Eddie didn’t see him until he was right behind him, and he screamed and ran away. But he was never very fast. In high school he could never run a mile under twelve minutes, so the gym teacher would make him do it again, over and over again and that’s the only thing I could think about other than screaming as Frank brought the pick down into Eddie’s head.

The first blow didn’t take Eddie down. He ran into the deep freeze. And Frank followed him, and I didn’t quite see what happened after that. But I knew from Eddie’s screaming and the awful sound of the pick hitting him that he was dying. That Frank was killing him. In front of me, in front of Brad and Janet, in front of everyone. I just watched, and screamed, and I couldn’t do anything about it. Everyone else was silent. I could feel something deep inside of me shattering; some emotional pain coursing so deep you could feel it physically, robbing me of something vital. When Frank was finished he stumbled out of the deep freeze; his gloves were covered in blood, and the sight of it almost made me vomit. He made some shitty joke and everybody laughed. Everyone but me, of course. Then the convention went on. Frank linked arms with Rocky and the two of them walked towards the stage while everyone cheered and threw confetti. Magenta and Riff Raff opened the curtain. I know what’s behind it now; this enormous bed, all in black, like the one in Frank’s room but bigger. It had two pillows on it, one with a monogrammed F and the other with an R. Frank and Rocky went behind the curtain, and Riff Raff and Magenta closed it again.

Because that’s why we built Rocky, after all. He’s a living sex toy. Frank got tired of fucking Riff and Magenta, so he came up with the genius plan to build someone entirely new. Then he got tired of fucking me, then he got tired of fucking Eddie, and eventually he’ll get tired of fucking Rocky and something terrible will happen to him, something even worse than what happened to Eddie. I just know it. I really must be the biggest idiot in the world for not finding this out sooner. If I had known I would have just gone into Denton and bought Frank a vibrator or something. Jesus Christ. What signs were there that I missed? Did Magenta and Riff Raff know? Did everybody know except me? There’s this nausea that hasn’t left me since I figured it out yesterday. Poor Rocky. Oh god, poor, poor Rocky. He doesn’t deserve to be part of Frank’s sick fetish, or whatever it is. I can’t help but feel like he must know, from the way he ran from Frank after he was born. He must know because of how much of him is really Eddie.

After all of that, once the guests started leaving,  I still showed Brad and Janet to their rooms. To their separate rooms, just like how me and Eddie got put in separate rooms. The two of them seemed too frightened at this point to ask any questions or speak up. It made me sad. What I really wanted to do was go up to me and Magenta’s room and bawl my eyes out and kiss her. But I didn’t do that at all. It’s because I’m spineless. I can’t do anything for myself. When Frank tells me to do something, I do it. That’s how we all got into this mess, because I’m twenty three years old and I never grew a spine. Brad got Eddie’s room, and Janet got a room I’d never seen before. It looked nearly the same, but it had this terrible red light that shone all through it. It made me feel worried. Then after I was done with that, I went to me and Magenta’s room at last. Magenta was there, getting into pajamas and getting ready for bed. She was watching Janet’s room. She said that she and Riff Raff had made a bet about who Frank would start with, and she had said Janet. I didn’t get what she meant until Janet bolted up suddenly from her bed and said ‘who’s there?’

I should have figured out why Frank wanted to invite a couple from Denton. I really should have. What other reason would there be? I’m so dumb. I can’t realize anything unless it gets spelled out for me. Just like I didn’t realize at first that it wasn’t really Brad who came into Janet’s room. But at least Janet didn’t realize either. She let ‘Brad’ into her bed, and then they started kissing, but then Janet ran her fingers through the hair and realized it was a wig. It was Frank. Who else? I knew it was him, and yet Janet’s scream as she pulled the wig off make my stomach plummet, like a plot twist in a B-movie. She pushed him away. She protested. She cried. And I started crying too, even though Magenta teased me about it. Because she reminded me so much of me it actually hurt. She was frightened, young and impressionable (even though she’s older than me...it doesn’t feel like it). She was a virgin. And Frank did not force himself onto her; he used his words, which was, perhaps, even more insidious. He  convinced her. I could hear the hesitance in her voice; “promise you won’t tell Brad?” she said, and Magenta started laughing. I didn’t think it was all that funny.

Brad was next. There was only a half an hour break. Frank didn’t even change his script up; he said the exact same thing. But I suppose what works works. 

In the strangest way, I feel like what happened to Brad and Janet was somehow worse. Worse than what happened to me, what I saw happen to Eddie, what I felt happen to this house. No one died. I wasn’t even in the room; I was watching it happen on a television screen. But I felt it change something irreparable inside of me, like switching a light off or pulling out a plug. Yes, that’s what it is. I feel unplugged. Even if I ran away, right now, just went into the hall and got on the lift and went out the door, I wouldn’t really be leaving. I wished I lived in Denton still. I miss my mom and dad. I miss my high school. I miss being in a town, and living in a real house. I want to go back to how I felt the night I met Frank; I want to go back in time and never meet him at all. 

It was great when it all began. It really was. But now I think I’ll never be happy again. Not really, at least. I felt it when Magenta went back to check on Janet. She was sobbing. She was sitting in her bed with her knees up to her face and she was sobbing. What did Brad and Janet do to deserve this? They were just people. They were just trying to live their lives and be happy. Now they’ll never be happy again, either. They just happened to be in the right place at the wrongest time. Is that all it took? I used to think that everything happened for a reason. How wrong I was.

There’s this heavy sinking feeling inside of me now. Magenta noticed. She had left to go clean something up in the lab while Frank seduced Brad, but she’s back now. She saw me crying. She’s trying to cheer me up; we’re having a sleepover, even though we sleep in the same room. We’re painting each other’s nails, gossiping, that sort of thing. It’s been fun, but I know it’s a distraction. Once she goes to sleep I’ll be miserable again, and it will go on like that forever. I don’t want to spend my life warding off misery. Janet left her room and went onto the lift; she looks just as miserable. Magenta thinks she must have wanted to sleep with Frank, at least to some degree; otherwise she wouldn't have agreed. But I think Magenta’s wrong. Janet’s crying; she’s really sobbing. She calmed down a bit, then she went over to the monitor to try and find Brad and found him in his room with Frank, so she started crying again. Why would she cry so hard, if she didn’t mean it? But maybe I’m just naive. Yes, maybe I’m just naive, and that’s what got me into this mess.

Brad and Janet will break up. Eddie is dead forever now, or if he isn't I'll be dead before he comes back. If I stay in this house I will die, and if I go back to Denton I will kill myself, because I won’t know what else to do. It’s the end of the world.

Right now is the calm before the storm; I can feel it in my bones, like how my grandma said she could tell when it was raining because her joints hurt. All of the guests have gone home. Frank is in Brad’s room; he is laying on the bed while Brad holds his head in his hands, wondering what he’s done. Riff Raff is wandering the halls. Janet is in the lab, and Rocky is there too. He’s in his tank, crying - I suppose it’s like a womb to him. He is injured; I don’t know why, but I feel like it's my fault somehow. Janet is helping him. And me and Magenta are in our bedroom, watching it all, unable to do anything - or choosing not to. Magenta thinks that Janet and Rocky will have sex. I hope they don’t.

I have this overwhelming feeling that I won’t be writing another entry for a long time.

Love,

Columbia


End file.
